Today is the fourth anniversary of the worst day of my life. Although at the time I didn’t know that…

Today is the fourth anniversary of the worst day of my life. Although at the time I didn’t know that until the next day. 😭 My 29 year old brother, who was the smartest guy I have ever met, died of a drug overdose. None of us (my dad nor I) had any idea that he was doing drugs. He was you normal nerdy guy who had a great paying job and had just bought his dream car less than a year before.

The whole thing came as the most awful shock when the next day my dad got a call from his work saying he wasn’t responding to messages since the day before. My poor father, who was my brother’s best friend, had to go over to his house and find him. It crushed me that I was not able to be there for my dad during this devastating time and it took me about a week before I could finally make it back to California to help my dad deal with the situation (his house and funeral planning).

Some days I am envious of those people who know their loved ones have an addiction to drugs. Just because I never got to ask him how or why he got into them, or when it all started. It just went from us thinking everything was normal with the world to my brother accidentally killing himself (because it definitely was accidental and not a suicide).

I can’t post this on Facebook because my father doesn’t want people knowing the truth for fear of it tarnishing their memories of him. But he was still the most incredible of young men. He was so insanely smart! Fluent in Japanese, knew more about computer hardware and Linux than I am sure anyone else I will ever meet (and I work at a tech job), and just genuinely a good person to those around him. He wasn’t perfect, but then no one is, and I miss him so much. I hate the fact that he will never get to meet my kids and that they won’t ever get to learn things from their amazing uncle. I hate the fact that my dad will never quite be the same from losing his only son and best friend. I hate the fact that I no longer have a sibling to confide in when I need it most.

I just wish I had known .. wish I had had the chance to try to help, to try to save him after all the things he did for me (like help me get my current job). Or had the chance to say goodbye and that I loved him no matter what.

I miss and love you little brother. The world will never be the same since you left it, and while I do not believe in heaven, I truly hope that you are in a better place and whatever demons you were battling have been vanguished. 😭😢💕