Only me. This literally could only happen to me (not pregnant).

Only me. This literally could only happen to me (not pregnant).

So the doctor comes in and starts talking about how the test was negative, but I had lowish iron levels, and a vitamin D deficiency (which is bull bc I live on milk). No mention at all of my five months missing period, which I think is weird, but I'm not good at talking to people, and I don't go to many doctors appointments so I don't know if this is the procedure or not, so I don't say anything yet.

But then he starts putting his things away, asks if I have any questions, but in that way people do when they're already moved on from the conversation? So I ask like, 'do either of those things normally stop a period for almost half a year?'. He literally freezes, gets all his things back out again, and starts panicking because there was no mention of my periods on file, and he was wondering why I had had blood work done in the first place if the urine was negative, and that there was no mention of why I had come in at all, besides the pregnancy test. And because I'm an asshole, I literally cannot stop laughing. Then basically we do the whole appointment over again, but this time he actually knows what my concern is.

I have lowish iron levels and a bs vitamin d deficiency, but besides that I have zero symptoms, or issues, or anything. He orders labs to test my thyroid, adrenal gland, and hormones, but he doesn't actually know if either one is causing my missing periods, or if it's something else entirely. So I had more blood drawn, and I go back in two weeks to get my results and probably more tests. He did mention pcos in passing, which I really hope it isn't.

Ridiculousness of the entire appointment aside, I'm wrecked. I know it's stupid, and the odds of having a negative urine test but a positive blood test are minuscule. But I couldn't help hoping. This was already going to be so difficult since I'm using a sperm donor and don't have the option to just have sex on the days around ovulation. I get one single shot at this every cycle. I log and I test and I pee in cups and I poke my cervix three times a day and I've posted photos of my cervical mucus online for strangers' feedback, and I get my Hope's up every month, and have so many symptoms and signs, only to get 25 negatives every month, and I'm just so tired. So I'm giving up on 'signs from the universe/god/whatever', I'm giving up on all signs of pregnancy that are not a fucking ultrasound, I'm giving up on fertility teas and oils and prayers and wishes. All of it. Hope is useless and can't make a baby appear out of thin air. I have found dozens of baby bell peppers inside of normal bell peppers. I've had the double yolk eggs- I've even had an egg that had an embryo in it! There was a hurricane with the same name I've had chosen for over a decade that happened to hit the day after I inseminated. It's all stupid and fake and hurts and I'm not subjecting myself to it anymore.