Not baby related but I need some honest opinions on what I should do!! Ok so my mom abandoned me at 5, she choose drugs…

Go...

You. Don’t. Owe. Her. Anything.

If you don’t have any desire to see after how she has treated you, don’t. It’s okay to keep the toxic people out of your life.

Personally? I wouldn’t go. You’re a strong woman here and now WITHOUT her. Seeing her will only make you feel bad. I already know people will say “go”, and “it’s an addiction”, and yes - that’s true, but, I’m a firm believer that you always have a moment of clarity, there will always be a moment to decide if your children are more important than the addiction. Fighting for sobriety will be hard, but worth it. I figure she had her chances and is only now trying to touch base because she’s realizing her time is limited. If she wasn’t dying, would she be in contact as much? Probably not.

My dad was a wonderful man, but an alcoholic. My sister and I begged and begged and begged for years for him to stop smoking 2 packs a day and stop drinking. Nope. Nothing. No changes. When I was pregnant his health declined, and the doctors were trying to talk him into dialysis, but he refused. He kept up his unhealthy selfish lifestyle and only got worse. He even asked me about a week after my daughter was born, “what’s her name again?” (we live 2,000 miles apart). He literally forgot her name. His ONLY grandchild.

I refused to fly her to Illinois to meet him until he got help from the medical professionals and stop drinking & smoking. Nope. Nothing changed. He died when she was 5ish months old. I have people ask me allllll the time if i regret not letting her meet him and I definitely do not. I, on the other hand, flew home many times while he was not well. I just never brought her with me. I feel like a relationship should be worked on and wanted from both sides.

Your mother doesn’t deserve to upset you any longer. ❤️

My mother is the same way! She went threw all this minus the cancer she is in heart failure now and honestly as mean as it sounds i really wouldn’t care she choose drugs and drinking over her kids.. I moved out at 16 she didn’t even realize I left she called the cops on me about 4-5 months after I move out and call me in as truant at school and that I didn’t come home the night before.. as I was headed out for school the police showed up at my cousins where I was living and we explain everything and the cops laughed and told me have a good day at school I’m still working on dealing with it but I’ve made my peace with her choosing her life style over her family. So if your at peace with your first goodbye and you know you won’t regret it later I wouldn’t go and I’m sorry you had to go threw all this it really does suck

Honestly everyone have they own opinion but i would go no matter what she's your mom and deep down you love her

Just because she’s your “mother” doesn’t mean you owe her anything. If she can’t return the energy she wants from you... then don’t try. Don’t go. We all have an opinion on this situation but not all of us have been in this situation. With that being said, do what YOU think you should do.

Giving you up because of the drugs was probably the best thing she thought she could ever do for you at the time because she knew her addiction was a major issue and she needed to get better or she could never be the mother you needed. She's obviously struggled and if she hadn't cared about you at all she wouldn't have tried to be there for you when you had your baby. You don't know how hard it may have been to give you up at that time... I'm just saying, if you've never really tried talking to her about it then you really don't know what she feels or felt at that time. I would just go see her...

My father was beaten as a child by his step father and on his death bed still forgave him.

I think you don’t owe her anything but saying what you need to say and not for the sake of goodbye but for the sake of knowing you were able to tell her how you feel.

It obviously means something to you and if you’re torn you always will be and even more with regret for not doing something about it and letting it fester, the fact that you seek justification and opinions from others means you are conflicted with your initial choice.

Do what you’re heart tells you.

It’s your mom.

Even if the first time was a false alarm take it as a blessing that you were given a second chance to mend the relationship.

Doesn’t mean you forgive her, doesn’t mean you give her anything.

This is all for you.

I say, go.

This may be you’re last chance.

I think hubby knows you better than total strangers. ^

☮️

I am in your shoes. I was a motherless and fatherless ward of the state of Florida. You have a psychological injury and are reactive to triggers to which you may not even be consciously aware. To answer your question, you should not see your mother until you get the help you need, otherwise you too may “relapse” on feelings of abandonment, rejection, and inferiority. I can tell that you’re not ready by your depiction of the last encounter. For what it’s worth, look up Avoidant Personality Disorder and tell me what you think.

RE: “you don’t owe her anything,” is not something I would personally say to someone in your situation because it’s an incomplete thought. I know you don’t want to hear this but if you’re going to assert that you don’t owe her anything then remind yourself that she doesn’t owe you anything either. Free yourself from...”but she’s my mom.” It doesn’t do any justice for your trauma induced arrested social and emotional development. (PM me for an elaboration)

PS Find a therapist specializing in EMDR.

PS I haven’t gone to see my mother because I’m still in intensive therapy and I don’t want to risk a set back right now.