Sorry for the rant....

Being a mom to twins is the hardest thing I've ever done... I feel like I'm drowning... I'm so sleep deprived I can hardly see straight... the only real smiles I feel like I've had is in the days I've gotten to go out while someone else gifted me babysitting... I feel like I'm always letting my babies down... not giving one enough tummy time... not knowing whose bath turn it is, taking another day or two before they get another bath cause I can't seem to get anyone who helps to just hold a baby while I bathe the other and it's like my twins know I'm not giving them full attention while one is in a bath so they wake from a nap and screams... both my twins have thrush and I'll be damned if I can get anyone else to remember they need meds so I have to struggle to get it done and enough times for each baby... I don't produce enough breast milk, it only get worse every day... I'm one of 2 people who washes bottles cause somehow I get the "Oh well I was thinking of something else" or "I didn't notice we were out"... I have to change almost every diaper, but if I don't, no one will tell me if they pooped or not or mention concerns, so on the rare days I get help I have to Chace people down for answers... both my babies have thrush... my son screams and screams like he is being killed and almost nothing soothes him... he cries until I cry and the pediatrician won't listen the way I need him too, some of it is overtired but I believe it is more than that... he is in the 98th percentile across the board and feel like everyone judges me for how hungry he is and how big he is as a twin... and now I think he has a hernia... my daughter keeps spitting up.. she won't take her meds without being tricked, but tricking her either makes her gag on the meds or seems to impact her spitting up... and I mean like exersist style... all the food she ate... the spit up formula doesn't seem to be enough... nor elevating her, or limiting her intake...nor anything... she actually threw up in her sleep last night, not just spit up and it hurt her so much...

If that wasn't enough I feel myself getting so frustrated and resentful toward my boyfriend... wishing he could just help more or anticipate better, wake up easier... what makes it worse is that makes me feel like a bad girlfriend because he does help, just not the ways I wish he would, and not as often as I wish he would... and our relationship is suffering cause I used to love taking care of him, but now it's hard cause I can't take care of them and him and clean up after his older daughter who can't clean up after herself for the life of her even though she is 18... and I point out stuff to talk about it and he feels attacked... and the problem gets worse... and I cant spend quality time with him cause he isnt ready to go to bed at 8 but if the babies are in bed I have to cause it's the only way I get like 3 hrs of consecutive sleep and sometimes the only sleep I'll get in 24 hrs cause I'm home alone with them right now... I just feel it all crumble and I'm helpless to fix it... and he is off working or hustling a side business cause he is worried about money cause he is freaking out about the cost... my families across the nation away, and I have 1 friend who is awesome enough to help, but I'm still drowing... I feel like I'm doing it all wrong... failing my babies, failing my boyfriend, failing to keep what was once a truly amazing relationship together... I don't feel like myself cause I can't do anything that is me, all I seem to do is change, feed, clean, rock babies, lose my shit, get a few minutes of sleep and do it all over again...