I called a place to make an appointment this morning.

Im sorry you been through this and this is brave to come out like this. I don't think it was right of him. I know that's a totally different answer but if he knows this is something you struggle with him watching porn should have been something he should have disgusted with you. All of us don't mind it but we have not walked in your shoes. I think he was in the wrong but it probably was not intentional. Guys watch porn so you need to talk to him and forgive him. Tell him how you feel and try to come to an agreement together. I think him knowing what you went through he should have discussed watching porn with you before just doing it. Don't think he doesn't love you though.

@lillys.mommy my husband was like that too you just kind of have to keep trying and figure out a way that works best for both of you mine was write it down on a piece of paper giving it to my husband and telling him please read it and tell me when you're ready to talk and I would let him say his peace and then I would say my peace so the very beginning I had my walls up and sometimes will push him away or fight but he stayed and want to work with me i still have time were things come up and i I lash out because I'm triggered and then have to come back and tell him I'm sorry this just reminded me of something and I know it's not your fault and you didn't mean to and you don't know.

@lillynellasmom, lately instead of arguing we’ve just been text arguing which strangely works better since we can’t interrupt each other. I’ve been trying to communicate my feeling that way. He’s not very good at that. He always tries to change the subject.

Yikes that's a hard one 🤔 I understand though.

I'm sorry about what happened 💔

@lillys.mommy I would say just let him sleep also if it's easier than talking to him you can actually write it down on a piece of paper and give it to him let him read it and then give him time so then you can either play it over in your head before you fall asleep or at least write your feelings down and you won't have to relive it in your sleep.

@lillys.mommy I think you need to make it a little bit more clear to him that it's you don't agree it just triggers you and it's hard for you to understand because I think the part where you say I don't agree with it just means you just don't care for it do you know what I mean. I understand it's hard to open up about it but the only way that you will get through it is actually opening up about it and it was easier said than done but it will make things a lot better later if not right now.

Right now I’m fighting the urge to wake him up to come to bed because I know I’m going to relive it all over again tonight in my dreams and it makes it a little better to wake up to him here but I don’t want to be selfish and wake him. He worked 12 hours and gas to get up at 5 and do it again... 😢

@lillynellasmom,

We’ve been friends since I was around 14 but I don’t think I told him about it until we started seriously talking.

I don’t typically open up about this. It’s really hard for me. I’m very understanding of his side that’s why I feel so bad but I’ve made it very clear from the beginning that I don’t agree with porn.

I really dont want to sound insensitive but did he know this from the beginning when you first started dating him and how open were you about talking with him yes he should understand how you feel but also you should understand maybe his side too I'm sorry you went through but like the other girl said maybe getting into therapy that or trying to explore and see what you like little by little and then having him do it and not just having sex because that's what you see as bad but being intimate with your husband actually making love will be a better way of saying it. I know it bring up bad memories over trigger shoe when you see him watching it but I don't think you're fully over it just yet if it does that so much and you don't enjoy it you should be able to enjoy it. Also I am here if you want to talk I was also raped at a young age by my stepdad and was beaten and when i got a little older i was drugged and raped so i have also had issues with sex.

@lillys.mommy You should not be pleasuring him only...You have needs as well.maybe you should show him and tell him what you like,how you like to be touched so he know's what turns you on as well despite your trauma your husband and you ,like you stated have been together 10 yrs. Of love,children being there for one another he didn't hurt you or cause this.He loves you and you both created 4 amazing children out of love.. Therapy will definitely help you see we can control our mind ,,no amount of medication can cure this.Healing comes from with in your soul 💓

He needs to be honest, you need to be honest. Open! open! open!

Have intimacy be the goal, not sex. Laying together naked, massages, kissing. Look him in the eyes!! Small goal right there. Building on that trust. Maybe your big goal can be kissing and caressing your neck. This man is your husband, he loves you 😊

I hope it gets better for you guys ❤

@kambam,

I tried to take my life right after it happened. I took a bunch of pills and they all just came back up and I woke up the next morning. I knew that meant I was meant to live.

I’ve had a rough life besides that but that’s the day I decided I was going to change it for the better. 3 years later me and my guy started dating and exactly a year later we had our first child.

@sarahbethk, @kambam,

Thank you! Both of you.

We’re trying to work through this. It’s been really tough.

Ugh that's rough. If theres any way you can get back into some therapy sessions with or without hubby it would be extremely helpful. I know it digs out all the trauma but that's what its supposed to do. Not only does it help your therapist with your situation but it WILL get better after the initial outpour of emotions. regardless, this is a huge issue and I really dont think you can control it alone.

Im sure the medication helps but its also just a bandaid over a massive hole at this point. Cheering you on. Ive lost close friends to sexual abuse.

I’m honestly kind of surprised at how insensitive some of these answers are. If you have communicated with your partner that porn is not okay in your book, or a specific kind, then he needs to stop. If he can’t stop, he needs help. If he won’t stop, you both need to sit down and see if it’s something you can live with. I’m so sorry you went through what you went through, and that your partner isn’t able to grasp the depth of what you feel. It doesn’t matter if it’s “what a man does” (which is BS anyways), it matters that he’s being insensitive to what you need from him.

And for Christ sake, why do people always use the excuse that at least he’s watching porn and not cheating?! It’s not like it’s either/or! Men aren’t animals that can’t control themselves. We control our sexual urges, they can too.

@kambam,

I tried but it didn’t help it just brought all of the emotions out like new. So I stopped going and now frankly I don’t have time to go. I was on Zoloft for a little bit right after the “relapse” but had to stop because I was pregnant and didn’t want my baby to go through withdrawals.

The other hard thing I suffer is I’m paranoid schizophrenic so it just makes it that much harder

He's not doing it to hurt you. You need to stop thinking of it as "pleasuring him" thats so misogynistic.

Sex needs to pleasure you too. It can't just be something you do to please your partner.

Did you attend therapy after your rape or get any emotional help? Its very important.

@kambam,

It’s really hard for me to explore anything. The guy beat me up so bad I wasn’t able to walk for 2 days after. I had to crawl to the bathroom. I had bruised on almost every inch of my body. I was strangled, my head banged against stuff, and almost choked to death on my own vomit.

I’ve gotten better some since we’ve been together but seeing the stuff he’s into a few mos ago made me kinda “relapse”. I can’t even look him in the eye when we have sex and even if he comes close to touching my neck I freak out and start crying... it’s so frustrating for me I can only imagine how he feels

I agree with @kambam

When it comes to porn, it's a skit, it's like a sexual play and it's just a job like any other job and the women who choose to do that kind of work just really love sex and are very comfortable with their bodies. I completely understand how sex is difficult for you, I couldn't imagine going through it, but this man your are with now, after 8 years, he obviously means no harm and loves you very much... Look at sex in a different light. Normally sex is supposed to be a way for a couple to be close and show their love for each other which is why it's called "making love"... Unfortunately there are just sick people out there who don't know the meaning and don't care. It's all about communication, and if you tell your SO how you feel about certain things, it may help you feel better and maybe he'll have a better understanding but don't make him change because like the other girl said, it can do more harm than good. I myself even watch porn now and then and I wouldn't care if my boyfriend did as long as I know he loves me and it's nothing to do with me... Your SO may just watch it for a release so he doesn't push for sex with you because he knows it's hard for you and is respecting that, and at least he's going to porn instead of another woman.

@sherrynygirl, @theycallmemommy, @kambam, I’ve talked to him and he apologizes and says he won’t do it any more or says he doesn’t watch it any more but I know he does.

It just hurts to know I put myself through so much to pleasure him and he just turns around and does this in return. It makes me so mad. I’m actually sleeping in our bed and he’s on the couch which I feel bad for but I’m so upset with him I can’t even look him in the eye right now.

Im so sorry you went through that 😞☹

Hope you dont take offense but just because you have negative connotations with sex, doesnt mean your partner should. Women in porn are ALWAYS 18 and over, thats just the reality of it.

Im sure part of him uses porn so he doesn't trigger you with any wants or needs. But its also just a guy thing 🙃 doesn't mean he doesn't like you.

Have open communication. Tell him what you want and need to have a comfortable sexual relationship. Limiting his own sexuality (with porn) can do more harm than good. This might not be doable but maybe you can watch a couples/woman friendly porn with him. Sex workers are just that, its their job and they enjoy it. They aren't being hurt. You should also explore your own body. Doing so will give you security over your own body and teach you more about how you like to be touched.

It may also be super helpful to attend couples therapy to discuss how your abuse affects your relationship and how hubby can help.

First, I am very sorry you had to go through that. I can’t even imagine! You are a very strong women sharing something so personal. I would definitely tell to him about this. Tell him how it makes you feel. He should be respectful of your wishes. I wish I could be more helpful.

@lillys.mommy It takes a lot of courage what you posted so personal 💓 Communication is very important as well as respect in all relationship s..he should be more understanding towards this topic.Watching young women on porn is sickening in my opinion and many men watch porn for different reasons many have nothing to do with their woman...I would put BOUNDARIES he needs to go not to hurt your feeling's