Mom.life
I'm miserable in my own house...I love my stepson and have done everything in my power for him to have a good life but I am so done with his behavior. He doesn't listen to me at all, he is so mean to his brother, he deliberately destroys stuff in his room, he takes food and hids the rappers in the A.C. vent. If you ask him why he did something he says "I don't want to ....". Oh and if we bring any of this up to his mom, she thinks it either funny or thinks we are trying to make an excuse to why she "can't" see him. Everyday it's something and I'm to the point where I don't even want to be here. His dad is at work all day and disciplines him when he's around but nothing seems to work with him anymore. He is going to start to go to a psychologist to help with his behavior and anger. But once again I'm stepping up and doing everything I can for him and it seems like it's never enough.
05.06.2018
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sydneyh
sydneyh
@micjulzac3 No you are not a bad mom for feeling that way. It's very hard to have a child who has behavior issues. I don't want to say ADHD becusse I'm not sure of everyone deals with this. Sadly I'm worried if we don't get him on track he will end up very similar to your situation. We can only do so much and we can only take so much before we break. I have had such a hard time finding someone to help us. It seems like no one wants to take on the challenge. You have to take care of you and if you were having trouble with your ex and it wasn't safe then you did the right thing. I think that every child no matter what needs to take responsibility for there actions and deal with the consequences. But that's my personal option. Just try to stay in touch wirh know and know that you didn't do this. His father needs to step up and tell him no and let him learn from his poor choices.
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laniejay
laniejay
A counselor sounds like a good idea, can you imagine what it is like as a kid to be abandoned by a parent?
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micjulzac3
micjulzac3
My son had been diagnosed with ADHD and right now lives with his father I had him under control for a while I said jump he said how high but situations changed and I gave custody to his father (I left my ex and moved in with my sister and her and her husband couldnt handle him). He has been having behavior issues and he is 15 he is on probation and couldn't come visit this year due to that and summerschool and community service. He has been on probation since the first year his father had him which has been 3 years. His stepmother disciplined him the way I did but his father told her she was overstepping her boundaries and now he is out of control. He ruined an xbox and the controllers while with me last year. Part of me is like I wish he was visiting but part of me is like thank God he isnt. Am I bad for thinking that. I love him to death and yes I moved to a different state not to get away from them but I needed land between me and my stalking ex I didn't like living scared. If his stepmother wanted to discipline him like she was at the beginning I would say go for it. But then there is his father that sticks up for him and gets him right out of trouble. He hired an attorney so he didn't have to do time in juvy. I said send him it may make him change his tune.
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sydneyh
sydneyh
@mamagunn.no.1 I'm happy to know I'm not the only one going through all of this. It's a hard road and most of the time and I can't call his dad every 5min trying to have talk to his son since he's at work. We will just take it day by day. I appreciate all the advice.
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sydneyh
sydneyh
@sorcha You are amazing!! Thank you so much for all the advice. I am going to try and start doing these things. I definitely have started yelling more then want too so this really does help. One of the bigger problems we have had is he does something good and then gets a reward and then turns around and does something wrong or mean. I have been trying to say your making bad choices instead of your being bad. I try to keep it short and simple but thats alot harder then I expected. I just want my sweet, fun stepson back. Thank you again for all of your help!!
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mamaof2minigunns
mamaof2minigunns
@sydneyh we got to the point for a while there where we didn't want to take him anywhere because it was nothing but embarassing everytime! It did slowly start getting better though going out. We just started explaining to him that we take him out to do nice things because we want to all have a nice time, not because we have to and that it costs money to do things and that if he was not going to appreciate it and just run amuck, that we won't bother anymore. I also explained that it hurts our feelings, especially his dad when he acts the way he does when we're just trying to do something nice for him. It must've sunk it a bit because his behaviour improved alot after that. It would be hard with him not being able to do some of the tests. I know it's hard to get some concentration, but one thing that really helped was reading with him every afternoon. It helped him to concentrate on something, which got better everyday and his speech and reading and writing improved dramatically. It's a hard, hard road but if you just persevere it will pay off. He just needs to know that someone is on his team, which is challenging most days but it will get better with routine.
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sorcha
sorcha
@sydneyh very typical response and behavior based on his skills. His emotional maternity is probably delayed as well. I totally understand you're frustration. Depending on the situation will depend on his response and yours. It's hard but try to catch him doing well and do less talking when he does something *like taking the straw away, just frown and return the straw to his younger sibling. Wait for him to do something good. Or create a moment for him do something little, unpromoted. It's hard but if you can focus talking for good things and just gestures or ignoring for little things you can start to have him adjust.
Sometimes when you verbally praise him right after seeing him do something awesome he might also then instantly do something not good. Try and ignore, and direct only the positive behaviors. With your younger son keep doing what you would normally do. Again, not easy but important.
As for going out. I'd let him know early *like first thing in the morning or before bed, we are going to the park (after lunch or whenever). I'd also make a little visual list of what will happen before. And during your trip. If you plan to go, go. It's not a reward, just part of the day. Before you get there, ask him "how will you know it's time to leave?" (You can do this earlier too). Discuss, keep it short. You will know because my phone will make this sound (use a timer). Set the timer and have him hit "start". Let him play. Give him space away from his sibling and encourage his brother to play elsewhere. Reward any good behavior with a thumbs up when he looks over, and he will. As you get close to times up, when he looks over give him the 5 minute sign and thumbs up, smile and go about your play time. If he wants to play with you, try to. When the timer goes off, leave it ring and walk slowly close to him. Let him hear it, if he runs stand and wait. If he looks over or approaches ask him to come over and turn it off, "it's time to go". Again, try and keep calm. Wait for him to come and turn it off. Once he does reward it "thanks for coming over and turning off the timer". Walk home or to the car. Once inside (even if there was a meltdown) reward any good behaviour. Thanks for walking to the car, I loved seeing you slide on the slide or swing. I'm so happy when we go to the park. Let him talk or not. I hope this helps.
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sydneyh
sydneyh
@sorcha thank you i really needed this. He was in school and had speech once a week but bow being out we have to find him him someone to go see for that. He picks and choices when he wants to talk or wants to understand something. Like just now he ripped off the straw off his brother cup and I asked him why and he said he wants to and I asked him if he cares that what he did isn't ok and he said no....
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sorcha
sorcha
Sounds like you're on the right track but need supports. If he has an impulse disorder and is behind in his speech it's no wonder you are seeing these behaviours. Seeing a good psychologist will help. He would benefit from speech therapy to help him use words to explain his feelings and his needs. An occupational therapist can help too. Also you need supports to learn how to help him. It's hard to raise a kid with special needs.
For his hiding food. I'd put the food under lock an key. Use some PECs (pictures to represent food item, and daily schedule). These tools allow kids to communicate their needs and show the flow of the day. Breaking items and aggression come from frustration. So the goal would be to use tools to lower frustration.
I use EasyDaysies schedule to help my littles. I am also planning to make some of my own because we do things outside the program they use.
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phoenix27
phoenix27
@sydneyh, that’s really sad but he has to be going threw something.
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sydneyh
sydneyh
@mamagunn.no.1 this is the exact thing I'm going through!! He was diagnosed with an Impulse disorder and I guess that goes hand-in-hand with ADHD but he's behind in speech so he's not able to understand the ADHD test. I just want to be able to have a good day and go to the zoo or park or where ever and it not be a full blown melt down over everything. It's embarrassing and very frustrating. I really hope he grows out of if or we are able to find something that helps.
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sydneyh
sydneyh
@mamagunn.no.1 thank you!!
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sydneyh
sydneyh
@ariah_syd27 he's been living with us full time for 2 years. His mom comes and goes. He's more interested in seeing his grandma then his own mom.
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mamaof2minigunns
mamaof2minigunns
Sorry your going through this, I know first hand how hard it is and how much of a strain it can put on your relationship. I hope you get some answers and help.
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mamaof2minigunns
mamaof2minigunns
My step son is the same and was diagnosed with ADHD and Autism from 4yo amd his mum put him on medication which just seemed to make it worse. He's slowly growing out of it but the last 5yrs have been pretty much hell for all of us including him as he's just in trouble all the time. He destroys everything from his things to our property, won't listen to anyone, back mouths is when we try and ask him to do something, won't eat anything but junk food, started hitting 4yo girls at school when he is 9yo.. The list goes on. It's hard because his mum moved states when he was 2 and DH had to follow her all over the country just to see him, and it's like she has just warped the way he is. It makes it hard to try and discipline when you are not the parent, and their dad is at work all day. I just couldn't get any respect from him at all because he has no respect for anyone or their wishes/rules of the house. All I can say is hopefully it will get better with age and that maybe he has a behavioural disorder like Adhd that is yet to be diagnosed. Seeing a psychologist is probably your best move. They will be able to give you tools and tips to deal with the behaviours.
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