I think there is a middle ground here. Praising your child, encouraging them and helping them build confidence should not come at the expense of realistic life expectations that sometimes we fail, sometimes we are not good at something and that the world won't hand you what you want without hard work and dedication to achieving a goal. I was told I was intelligent but I was also told that intelligence would o my get me so far and I had to push myself to achieve more. I was allowed to fail and find solutions on my level. Going to far to one extreme or another will always cause some detriment.
My parents were also of the "praise everything to build self esteem" school of thought and I agree that it backfires. As a parent I try to focus instead on effort, hard work, and perseverance. Instead of "hooray! You got an A!" It's "wow, you worked so hard! That's awesome!". It's a small switch but I see my dd unafraid to take risks, not giving up when something doesn't come naturally, working her butt off at her sports and helping with the facility (she rides horses). I was a bright kid, and a lot of stuff came to me without a lot of effort and I was always told how great I was at those things- but I hadn't worked for it. So when something came along that I didn't grasp right away, I just assumed I couldn't do it and gave up and looked for the next easy thing. It's something I've had to really be cognizant of as an adult.
I grew up being taught that 100% was too good (nobody is perfect after all) and 98% means I didn't try hard enough. I was put on restriction for getting an A- because I was capable of getting an A and therefore failed. I was in a constant state of being told I was intelligent and being told I was a failure for not utilizing that intelligence to the best of my ability every single time. As a result, I have a very low tolerance for failure in my own life or anyone else's. As a parent, I struggle between preparing my children for life being unfair and for failure being a necessary part of growth and believing that life will be cruel enough in its lessons without me giving voice to that cruelty in my children's lives. I do think that not everyone can be a winner all the time-that cheapens winning and success. But I also believe that effort needs to be rewarded. I'm not sure where that balance lies and I'm sure no matter which direction I go, my kids will blame me for at least part of their angst as adults. That's the circle of life I suppose.
Pookie, my parents were the same way. I do allow my children to fail. It's hard to do but it's part of life. Things aren't always fair and sometimes the good guy loses. I'm there to catch them when they fall and cheer them on when they try again. It's a hard balance, but one I'm trying to strive for.
deleted-user·
I think there is a middle ground here. Praising your child, encouraging them and helping them build confidence should not come at the expense of realistic life expectations that sometimes we fail, sometimes we are not good at something and that the world won't hand you what you want without hard work and dedication to achieving a goal. I was told I was intelligent but I was also told that intelligence would o my get me so far and I had to push myself to achieve more. I was allowed to fail and find solutions on my level. Going to far to one extreme or another will always cause some detriment.
deleted-user·
My parents were also of the "praise everything to build self esteem" school of thought and I agree that it backfires. As a parent I try to focus instead on effort, hard work, and perseverance. Instead of "hooray! You got an A!" It's "wow, you worked so hard! That's awesome!". It's a small switch but I see my dd unafraid to take risks, not giving up when something doesn't come naturally, working her butt off at her sports and helping with the facility (she rides horses). I was a bright kid, and a lot of stuff came to me without a lot of effort and I was always told how great I was at those things- but I hadn't worked for it. So when something came along that I didn't grasp right away, I just assumed I couldn't do it and gave up and looked for the next easy thing. It's something I've had to really be cognizant of as an adult.
Renee·
I grew up being taught that 100% was too good (nobody is perfect after all) and 98% means I didn't try hard enough. I was put on restriction for getting an A- because I was capable of getting an A and therefore failed. I was in a constant state of being told I was intelligent and being told I was a failure for not utilizing that intelligence to the best of my ability every single time. As a result, I have a very low tolerance for failure in my own life or anyone else's. As a parent, I struggle between preparing my children for life being unfair and for failure being a necessary part of growth and believing that life will be cruel enough in its lessons without me giving voice to that cruelty in my children's lives. I do think that not everyone can be a winner all the time-that cheapens winning and success. But I also believe that effort needs to be rewarded. I'm not sure where that balance lies and I'm sure no matter which direction I go, my kids will blame me for at least part of their angst as adults. That's the circle of life I suppose.
deleted-user·
Wonderful article! Definitely a good read! I took several screenshots!
deleted-user·
Pookie, my parents were the same way. I do allow my children to fail. It's hard to do but it's part of life. Things aren't always fair and sometimes the good guy loses. I'm there to catch them when they fall and cheer them on when they try again. It's a hard balance, but one I'm trying to strive for.