Is this fair? This is what I'm going to be saying to my mil and fil. They have continuously talked…

I had to set boundaries similar to this with SOs mom. Especially with the social media. I have an Instagram that is private but she lost her following privileges when she started screenshotting pictures off of my page and putting them on her public profile. I don't have Facebook or anything else other than this app. I was actually able to report her pictures and they were taken down eventually. She's a dean at a school in a tough neighborhood. She gets threats constantly via social media yet she keeps nothing private and I don't want my son associated with that. She's also always in our business. She doesn't like me because I don't kiss her feet like everyone else in her life. Her family comes from a lot of money and she uses that as power. She was mad because we bought our own house when she wanted to buy it and have us pay her back. No.. I didn't want her to ever have anything to hold over our head. This didn't go over well so she constantly complains about me as a person, saying I'm just controlling and need everything my way and other choice words. I politely let her know [via email] that I was done with the childish back and forth. I want her in our sons life but I won't sit back and let her talk crap about me in front of my SO or my son. He's little now but eventually he will understand things that are said and I don't even wanna go there with her because I know I'll explode. I'm super nice to her in person and she can see DS as much as she wants but only if she stops her sh!t. She doesn't have to like me but she does need to respect me as her son's SO and her grandsons mother.

Sorry for the novel. I think you're totally in the right with this one. No apologies need to be made but she needs to be made aware of your expectations. You and your husband are the parents, you have your own family. She needs to butt out and let you two be the adults and not cause drama or gossip. Good luck lady!

Oh wow pp. I'm sorry. I definitely know what it likes. It's exhausting honestly. And fil is enabling her. Telling me to just let it go and forgive. I would be happy to do that if this wasn't continuous behavior. Like I'm basically asking her to do the most basic things. That most human beings do just out of instinct. Ugh.

I think they want you to be done. They obviously don't care about you. These stipulations won't matter to them. You and your DH just need to cut them off. I feel like this is further playing into their mind games.

Wow, schooling your husband on how to delete texts. I'd already be done op. That's effed up of her.

All I hear is them talking shat about me. Yet their texts to me is "I love you" "I forgive you" "please can we be a family" it's ridiculous. I am doing this for a reason. I know they won't be able to do these basic things. That's the point. That way when they f*** up. I can be like see you made a choice. I gave you a chance.

Idk. The way it seems if she's talking s*** through text and his answer is she can see this and he won't delete texts because he shows you everything, is super passive. That's HIS family not yours. When it all boils down to it as long as she has him she probably could care less about having a relationship with you. The kids are another thing because unless she is also s*** ty with them, I wouldn't necessarily keep them from her because you're also hurting them in that process if she's a good grandmother, if not then even still why would she care? I would really think it has to be your husband who says if you don't grow the hell up and respect my wife, my life and decisions and family then you will be ostracized like you don't exist. I just know if it were me, my husbands mom at the end of the day wouldn't care as long as she still got to talk to and see him. She might act some type of way because of my baby but I can almost bet that if he entertains her BS then he wouldn't keep his kids from her. Idk what your previous experiences are, and maybe for your own sanity you need to do this and no I don't think it's too much or rude at all it's just very direct, but hubby really needs to be on board and probably the one making the demands with you. I know it's all about respect too because I've gone through a lot since getting married and getting pregnant. We've been together 10 years, but married 2 and about to have our baby in 2 weeks. Since marriage it's like a switch was flipped or maybe I'm just more privy to it now considering the circumstances and I myself have struggled with these people acting like they are victims in any and every little thing- things that aren't even about them and have nothing to do with them. They're extremely narcissistic and can take any conversation and make it personal so that you're constantly walking on eggshells with them when if the conversation were with anyone else if wouldn't even remotely get to that level. At first my husband was passive. Now as the time comes closer to baby and he sees how ridiculous they act more and more for himself and it's also including his child after he sees what I've gone through in this pregnancy, it's more so now that he puts them in their place. Even still they take it so personally and offensive, and try to make a thing of it- but he has gotten to the point of full blown ignoring them. I honestly feel now that he's more in board in that regard little by little they are starting to see that there's only one team he is on- and it's this one. It's been hard. I can only imagine how hard it has been for you, and I hope things really get better. Just make sure the lines you draw are a team effort to draw and to be sure stay standing.

Dh doesn't feel confident enough to state this clearly to mil. But he is on board with it. Completely. And he will tell her that. Unfortunately he isn't in a place to cut her out yet. And I understand that. As far as my kids. We live out of state. They've seen dd 4 times, a week each time in her 2 years of life. And they've seen ds twice. He is 4 months so he really has no idea what's going on. As far as dd each one of those four times she doesn't recognize them. They post pics of my kids constantly just to get likes on Facebook. She has a weird obsession with her grandkids. (That's a reason why sil cut her off) she doesn't even know my kids honestly. And her behavior could be harmful to their mental health.

No way this is not good. Your in the right. And kind of you to give her a chance... more than i would give after all that shat shes already done.

I sounds like maybe your husband needs to take a step back from them and stop letting them do this type of behaviour towards you. Tell them how you feel and you cut them off on social media and however else and tell your husband if the convo goes from good to bad to just stop responding period. Say he has to go and he has no time for this s*** or the kids or you need him and that's that. Ppl like that want a reaction. The only one I'd give them is a block, delete and ignore

I dunno, I mean except for the last two points, you don't really have any control about what they say about you. That part really needs to be up to your Dh, especially since they don't say these things to you directly. Go ahead and put your foot down about the social media stuff for sure. As far as all those other points? I think it really needs to be your Dh who tells her that and enforces it because it does come off like you're the one telling him these things rather than him being in agreement. And if he isn't strong enough to tell her that himself, what makes you think he will be strong enough to enforce it when she does say something about you?

I'd be pretty upset if my mil said stuff about me and Dh just told her that I see the texts, rather than saying "don't talk about my wife like that or our conversations are over." Him just saying that you see the texts comes off as you being controlling and snooping, even if that's not the case. He needs to come off stronger to his family.

I set boundaries with my exes mom. He left and moved away for work to the states and she became a monster thinking she owned my daughter. Calling a million times a day and. Demanding this and that. She would even make up stories about me to my ex to get us fighting. A few weekends in a row she called saying she was sick and needed me to take my daughter back which was cool and I'd make the arrangements and we'd drive over and then she would say she changed her mind. After a few times pulling that drama I lost my s*** . I told her to make up her effin mind, to stop talking s*** behind my back to my ex about me and to go see a shrink about her issues instead of crying to me and everyone else about what she was going on about. I stopped taking phone calls, texts or any form of communication. I told my ex to get his arse home here and handle his over bearing mother or i would choke her and stop all visits. Since then I only speak to her once or twice a month and no more than five minutes. I try to make it through text or my daughter if possible. It's to the point I can't stand to listen to anything they have to say. Maybe your husband needs to make a rule. Once the texts begin he just has to no answer or tell them he's busy or on his way out the door. I have purposely turned off my chat for my ex and his family to see me online, don't take their calls after 6pm so I can enjoy my night and I don't put up with the drama anymore. Gl

That seems totally reasonable. Just asking for them to have some common sense pretty much. We just moved almost 4 hours away to get away from my in laws. They were horrible too.

I wouldn't give them anymore chances at all. They should be cut off now with NO explanation. You will tell them your conditions and they will be broke within a week. Why keep doing this to yourself? Let them go. They are s*** ty grandparents for talking about their grandkids mother. This can harm your children do the right thing.

OP- she reminds me a lot of someone I know! See I didn't know they don't even really see or have a true relationship with your babes. Her obsession isn't about the kids in this case it's about having a story to tell and being able to show something to others to have something to talk about. It's really about herself and I cannot stand that. In that case you know I guess I can understand if hubs isn't ready to just be like we're finished here and it probably wouldn't be that serious anyway because they don't even have access to you guys like that. That would get under my skin- the whole oh look at my grandkids (who hardly know who I am) tell me they're cute- tell me what an amazing person I am for their existence. ??sorry that's just the picture I get... knowing who I know that is like that.

I agree with happamas first post and JL09.

It's your husbands place to stand up to his mom.

I'm not sure about them not know your kids...I mean you said they lived out of state...it makes perfect sense that they don't know them.

I'm sorry you are going through this...it's hurtful and incredibly dysfunctional. But I do have a strong opinion about cutting grandparents out of people's lives for petty ish...unless you are seriously concerned about the safety of your children, like she's physically and mentally abusive to them...in the grand scheme of things, what is the point? They will pass, as grandparents do, your children will grow up, as children do--and they will wonder why they didn't have a relationship with their grandparents. You may think that you are doing what's best for the your sanity and that you are standing your ground on your adultness...but things look different a generation later. I'm only speaking from experience as my mother and her mother were not close and as the adult grandchild (all of my siblings feel the same) it looks like petty bs on both parts. They both should have been adults and separated their differences from the relationship the kids need with grandparents.

My mother did not get along with her MIL (and boy is she batty, rude, and all of that)--but perhaps she learned from her own relationship with mother and instead of making it an entire family thing, she just removed herself from MIL life. Not in a rude way, but just didn't try to forge a tight bond or friendship. She didn't prevent my dad or her kids from interacting with her, didn't not invite her to family functions. It worked. She took the higher ground. In the end MIl alienated herself from some of her grandkids. My parents have been married for over 30'years...when my mother was trying to get her MIl to change, demanding to be seen as "?" my parents argued over my dads mom...but once my mom said "you know that's who she is and I don't have to feed into it" there was no arguing. She let my dad have his relationship with his mom and the grandkids too.

My own FIL is extremely difficult to get along with and if I shared even one story about him, you'd all say cut him off and go ham...he has a strained relationship with all of his DIL (3) and even sons....but he isn't a bad person or grandfather. He's an almost 70 year old man who, like us all, is learning everyday--it just takes him so much longer and honestly he doesn't ever fully get it. I follow my mothers method. I'm cordial, include him in family functions, I dont keep his grandkids from him and I encourage my husband to strengthen his relationship with his dad. Now as far as our "personal" relationship, we don't have to have one. If he wants to open that door and it's on both of our terms, great! If not, great! Again, I can't help but stress there is no mental and physical abuse or anything like that---it's just petty bs and issues of deference/respect and BOUNDARIES...

You have every right to be upset about the social media. If you have a no post policy, they should absolutely respect that.

I'm sorry this was so long. I saw my SIL struggle for some sort of power/deference with FIL and it just wasn't worth all the family drama. She now does what I do and we are all happier.

I don't know if this will work in your case, but just thought I'd share.

Your husband needs to grow a backbone and tell his parents this stuff himself. It's not your job and frankly it's not your place to tell off the inlaws. It'll only fan the flames and make things worse. It's pretty clear already that mil at least would be happy to have you gone- asserting your dominance, if you will, will add drama.

If your dh absolutely can't/won't do it himself- I'd send a text from his phone (with his knowledge of course!) so at least as far as the inlaws know, it's coming from him.

Agreeing with those who say your husband should be the one to handle it.

Not that hard to say, "Treat us all with respect or we're done." Then for the social media, just let them know you don't want the photos shared. Give them fewer opportunities to screw up (talk less, share less). When they still decide not to be respectful, be done.

To me, grandparents don't have a right to a relationship with your child if they can't be civil with you, the child's parents. It's likely they wouldn't be adult enough to keep that negativity from the child. No one deserves the right to trash talk me to my son.

It all sounds great...so long as your husband is the one saying it. He has to set the tone and boundaries for how he is willing to let his family be treated by his family.

In my marriage if it is my husbands family he is responsible for setting them straight. I tell him I won't deal with it anymore and he needs to handle it and if he doesn't then we have issues. Your SO needs to man up and tell his mom that she will respect you or she will no longer be in any of your lives. To be honest, coming from you it may just fuel the fire more and if she doesn't care for you already I doubt she will care for you to be done. But if her son says it, it may actually help.

You seem reasonable but your husband is *really really* the one that needs to do it. DH is a quiet and respectful guy as well, but in the beginning of our marriage my in-laws ran all over me. They both had very dominant personalities. It didn't stop until DH put them in their place. He stepped out of his comfort zone to defend me and since then their attitude towards improved. Everyone is happier without the power struggle.

I do see where all you ladies are coming from. The only problem is most of you know dh is recovering addict. After a year of recovery he was slapped with a charge from 1 1/2years prior to that. He is working this diversion program to get it dropped. Mil has been paying the fees because it's very expensive. If he doesn't complete the program he goes to prison. He has many many times told her her behavior is unacceptable and confronts her. He tell her she needs to stop badmouthing people. He has told her so many times to be respectful. It's a s*** ty situation because she will not hesitate to stop paying for the program if he gets on her case like I am. It's only until march. And I know most of you will say then deal with it because she's paying for it and all that. But all I want is respect. The second dh starts confronting her she hangs up or doesn't listen. That is why I was going to do it. All I'm asking is for respect. And I don't want to cut her off. If she could just stop behaving like this and move forward it would be fine. But the things she has done and continues to do it toxic. She screams at dd for accidentally spilling her drink. Or screams in her face to "stop" when having a tantrum. She tells people the kids are abused and we are awful parents. And honestly if she does it to everyone else what's to say she won't try to badmouth us to the kids when they really start understanding. I say by for 3 years hoping it was just a fluke. I kept my mouth shut for the most part but I just can't anymore. I feel like I do have a say. And if she wants to disrespect my further wishes then I have made it clear what will happen.

I wouldn't care if she's paying or not, don't speak to her unless necessary. Maybe you paying the course and not putting up with the bs is better than being disrespected. Also maybe your husbands issues are and have been because of this mothers behaviour and manipulations. Just good for thought. I too had an addict in my life at one point who we have a child together and had to cut his parents out of my life pretty much as sometimes they don't went to own up to or deal with his issues and blame others like it sounds like they are doing to you. Gl