I'm so broken right now. Why was my baby called back home? Why? Some days I'm completely fine and…

I'm so broken right now. Why was my baby called back home? Why? Some days I'm completely fine and others I don't even want to be here. My girls are why I'm still here. If I hadn't had dd1 I'm sure I would be dead right now. I feel a deep pain in my heart. I'm sad angry hurt and I know it's been 6 years but I will forever hold a guilt that I couldn't save him. I couldn't do what a mother is supposed to do. It was too late. I didn't know what labor felt like. I didn't even know that back labor was a real thing. I was 19 and always stressed out. Iv heard of old bleeding being brown and one spot during pregnancy wasn't a bad thing. But that one spot in my underwear that was brown I found on Nov 7th of 2011 could have saved my child. I should have gone in to the hospital. The pain in my back wasn't normal but not bad but having back problems my whole life I figured the pregnancy was taking it toll. It was but not in a normal way. That night I had a dream that I lost my son. I was at the fathers house screaming that it was his fault. When I woke up Nov 8th...I still had back pain but it wasn't too bad no spots nothing really out of the ordinary but something was off. Why didn't I just follow my gut? Why did I shake the feeling and continue my day? I watched my niece and nephew. I took my nephew to school. My niece and I came home. She was throwing a fit I was in more back pain. I wanted her to lay down so I could. She smacked me in the face with her head. I remember thinking OMG always keep your face away from a tantrum! Great to know. I chuckled to myself not realizing that I wasn't going to have a child of mine throw a tantrum for far longer than I expected. My mom came over and my sister. I told my mom that my back was hurting alot. She said its probably the baby getting in position. Which sounds right. But every pregnancy IS different. I still felt him moving all over. If I had known that that he was actually struggling and that's why he was moving so much I could have saved him. I could have him here today. I'll never forget my mom and sister leaving. I felt a sharp pain and he flipped. That was it the pain intensified and I called my other sister who was on her way home. She called my mom they met at the house and I was crying and couldn't move. We went to the hospital and they checked me and my baby. He was gone. They couldn't find a heartbeat. That last movement when he flipped was my babies final breath. He suffered because of me. My placenta ruptured and I didn't catch all the signs that were there. He had passed away. I then started to bleed heavy.. why didn't I go in when I saw that spot? Why? Why? Why? I hold this pain in my heart every single day. Nov 9th I gave birth to my sleeping angel. 33 weeks 3 days. 3lbs 3oz 15in long. Why did it have to be this way? I will always have a void in my heart that my baby holds the piece too. ????

I am so sorry. Happy 6th birthday in heaven Kristopher ? Please don't blame yourself. You didn't know. My ds2 was born Dec 11 and I knew someone who had had a placental abruption. I was on high alert for any warning signs, but honestly even with it high on my radar, if I had the symptoms you did, I would have responded the same way. It was just a cruel, freak event that you couldn't have predicted.

deleted-user09.11.2017

? Mama, I’m so sorry that you are carrying this pain. I️ wish I knew the right words to say right now... instead I’m sending you a hug.

deleted-user09.11.2017

*hugs*

deleted-user09.11.2017

I am so sorry for your loss.

Chantilly Lace09.11.2017

Thank you all for your support. I was in therapy after I had him but my insurance was cut off and I couldn't afford it. I stopped going. I know I shouldn't place the blame on myself but it's so hard having all the signs there and still missing them. My first dd was premature at 31 weeks. I Knew what it was as soon as I felt the pain. I was already in the hospital for low fluid. But I knew when it happened with her. The same damn signs!! But I still couldn't save him. My first baby! ? they confirmed a placental abruption for dd1 too. She made it I thank god every single day for her. My ex niece in law didn't make it better by spreading rumors that I killed him all over facebook. ?? I miss him so much!

deleted-user09.11.2017

This broke my heart for you. Im so sorry you had to go through that. So so so sorry for your loss?

deleted-user09.11.2017

Goodness I can’t imagine ?

deleted-user09.11.2017

My heart really bleeds for you. I hope you one day find peace.

deleted-user10.11.2017

Happy birthday little one. I'm so sorry for your loss, but mama don't blame yourself. I'm thinking of you.

deleted-user10.11.2017

Sending hugs and love your way... I'm so sorry for your loss. ?

deleted-user10.11.2017

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry that had to go through that ? it is not your fault hun and I hope the doctors told you that! Happy birthday to your sleeping angel ?

deleted-user10.11.2017

I am so sorry for your loss....

deleted-user10.11.2017

I'm so sorry for your loss ❤️

I'm so broken right now. Why was my baby called back home? Why? Some days I'm completely fine and…

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