Need help with my 3 year old

I have no advice on the defiant issue of it but I do know at least for our family the Bedtime ritual is completely normal. My DD is the same way. It's a compulsion for her and if you don't do it the right way you have to start over and do it again or she won't go to bed. It stresses me out so bad that DH has been in charge of bedtime for the longest because he's the only one that does it right in her eyes. I would just keep reinforcing the time out. As for the bedtime routine if doing it makes them easier to deal with as annoying as it is just keep doing it. I know Dd routine is shortening as she gets older so maybe there's light at the end of the tunnel.

Thanks kit!! I was getting really angry but I’ve calmed down as I know what to expect from him at bedtime!! So I just do all the things he asks. I’m just learning that it’s no good for either of us to be angry about it!! So that’s one step in the right direction. My husband takes our 5 year old to bed at the same time so he won’t be able to help with the 3 year old which is fine. It’s just how our routine works and it works well for us!! I just have to remind myself that he’s only 3 and I know these things won’t last forever. I really appreciate your time and response

I would just keep up with the time outs like you’re doing. I put my 3 year old in a time out chair for everything no eating dinner then sit in your chair, throwing a fit? Chair, saying no to me or dad chair. I just make sure I’m super calm and tell him “you need to stop (insert bad behavior here)” and that’s all. My son is super defiant too he gets angry very easily and throws tantrums like you can’t believe, but I do make sure he has a nap because if he doesn’t by 5pm he is unmanageable. It definitely sounds like you’re doing the right thing just keep your head up and stay consistent with what you expect from him. As for the bedtime thing I think that’s normal too ds is the same age and every night before he lays down he has to pick up whatever miscellaneous items have accumulated in his room that day and will only keep one blanket on his bed and puts the others away and same with a stuffed animal. It’s annoying but if that’s what he needs to sleep I’m ok with it. You’re doing the right thing every kid is different it’ll get better!

The good news is that everything you described sounds normal, even the bedtime routine. Toddlers/preschoolers are quirky. Their brains are going through so many quick changes that they can develop very strange, almost obsessive, behaviors as a way to cope with all those changes. It manifests in different ways for different children, but it all falls under the umbrella of "normal". I would go with the flow when it comes to his bedtime routine. But I would set a limit on "talk time". An example would be to set a timer on your phone for 5-10 minutes. Once the timer goes off, talk time is over or you need to leave the room. Consistency will be key when you implement this strategy.

I have 2 boys that are very headstrong and determined with tendencies towards defiance. Pitting yourself against this kind of child is a frustrating game that you will rarely win. And once it becomes a battle of wills, everyone loses.

It sounds like he's wanting more control over his life, which is a common desire for a child his age. While we can't hand over the reins just yet, we can help them feel as if they have more control over day to day activities.

The best time to deal with defiant behavior is before it happens. When he is calm and happy, take the opportunity to talk to him about how you can help him at dinnertime. Explain your expectations clearly so that he knows exactly what he is being told to do. Does he have to eat something? Or, if he doesn't want dinner, does he have to sit at the table while everyone else eats? Does he have to try everything on his plate? Remember that there are 3 things that are completely in a child's control: eating, sleeping, and eliminating. You will not, and should not, force him to eat. The best way to approach it is to leave the ball in his court. Keep offering him dinner. For my youngest, I say that if he doesn't want the food offered he doesn't have to eat it, but that is all there is for dinner. I usually try to put some fruit or veggies on his plate that I know he'll eat, even if that's the only thing he eats. Some parents require one bite to be taken of each thing so that they can at least try the food. The specifics of what you want to accomplish are up to you. He is more likely to be compliant when the pressure is off and he has a clear understanding of what is expected at mealtime.

It might help to give him more choices during the day, as well. Since you talked specifically about dinnertime, I'll stay focused on that. You could go up to him and say something along the lines of, "It's time for dinner! Do you want to walk to the table slowly like a sloth? Or do you want to wiggle and jiggle to the table like a bowl of jello?" Usually, something like this will at least get him to the table without a fight. Once there, he will already know what you want from him and he's more likely to agree to it. It will take several days of the same routine for it to become a habit. But eventually, he should begin to look forward to all the silly ways he can get to the table!

Keeping dinnertime fun and light will also help. For my oldest we would "play" with his food. Green beans became "Mean Green Beans" bent on taking over the world. The only way to stop them was to destroy (eat) them. He thought it was hilarious! We made up similar stories for foods we ate often. "Party Peas" often "jumped" into his mouth so they could join the party in his tummy.

Another strategy I use for my stubborn children is the "I bet you can't...." approach. As soon as I bet them they can't do something, their competitive juices start flowing and they are determined to prove me wrong. It's especially effective for us at dinner time. "I bet you can't try a bite of the chicken. No! Don't do it! Wait? What! Did you just take a bite? No way! I bet you can't take another one! I mean, one bite, that's ok, but TWO bites would be impossible!...." It's silly, but it works really well for my boys.

I hope that this helps. I know that having a defiant child is such a challenge. But that single minded determination will serve them well in adulthood. We just have to be able to get them there without losing our minds along the way!

@oli and @yaya i really appreciate the feedback. I will continue with the time outs as they really do work with him, well most times lol. Yaya I will be doing what u said about dinner time. Getting fun ways to get to the table is a great idea. We used to just let him down when he said he wouldn’t eat but I feel like that’s a very bad road to go down. So as of last night I made him sit there while we ate. I’ll also try the I bet I game during dinner.

As far as napping he totally refuses. We even try some quite time but he’s usually all over the place. But I’m going to keep trying with the quiet time for some rest. Because I know he’s tired. He’s up usually around 6-6:30am and goes to bed at 7pm.

He does get a lot of choices during the day. Like what he would like to wear. I let him pick out his outfits and pjs and he loves getting dressed by himself. Also he gets choices (within reason) about what he wants to do during the day. Example what game would u like to play. Would u like to color or draw. Things like that. I really appreciate all your feedback and will be using these tricks from now on!!! As far as the bedtime routine, like is said earlier it would make me angry for no reason, so I’ve decided not to be angry about it and just go with the flow. I did have a talk with him before bed as to what’s expected of him at dinner time and I will continue with the conversation. I’m sure it will take some time to sink in but I’m positive he will get there.

Thanks again for your time and responses I really do appreciate them!!

Omg yaya you’re a genius. So I talked to my son about 30mins before dinner and told him that i expect him to stop playing and sit at the table and try to eat. Well he wanted me to drag him to the table so that’s what I did. He loved it. Sat at the table eating Brussels sprouts!! That’s all he ate but I’ll take it!!

Otherwise today was a great day. We were out all morning into early afternoon then hung inside cause it’s very cold out and played!! I’m really hoping my new approach with him will totally change things around!!

Thank u yaya and the others for your feedback. Tonight at bedtime I’ll anticipate his routine and rituals and it should be a great night!!

Ok so bedtime went fairly well. I know he was exhausted. He had a little meltdown on the way upstairs then didn’t wanna pee in the potty, recently started potty training, so I put a pull up on him and off to bed we went. I did his rituals almost for him, like opening the curtain to see it was night time, and giving him his toy to open. We talked for a few minutes then I read 1&1/2 stories and he’s out cold for the night!!! I don’t know who’s really going to read this but it’s good to write down!! Was a good day for us!!

I didn’t read the responses so I hope I’m not repetitive.

As far as bedtime, my boys do similar things, but theirs seems to be in an effort to gain more time. The talking to you might be the same thing. Mine would wait until tucked in to get water. New rule- if you wait until your in bed, no water. As far as books, maybe determine 2-3 stories and stick with it?

Dinner is tricky. My kids used to be such good eaters. Then we started letting other food in that wasn’t our typical meals, and it’s hard getting back.

With dinner time though, if you know it’s a sleepiness problem, maybe Feed the boys earlier so he doesn’t have a meltdown. Sleepiness is impossible to combat. My kids end up eating on their own a lot since hubby gets home late.

Thanks @momma so we already eat dinner pretty early like 5-5:30 and bedtime is 7pm so can’t do much earlier then that lol. So I agree the talking and his rituals at first were him stalling but last night was a success. Had a little meltdown actually going up the steps and not wanting to pee which was fine. I just took him right to bed. Anticipated his rituals and it was smooth sailing right to bed!!

Now if I could get them to sleep later lol. Is that even possible?! My 5 year old has been up by 5:30am and my 3 year old around 6-6:30am!!! Why won’t they sleep later?!? That’s frustrating. Because I know if he slept later then later in the day wouldn’t be so bad ya know?!?