Knowledge helped me forgive
That "why" wouldn't go away i needed to know why.

Thanks for all your thoughts ladies. I guess I should have given a little more background. We split up 4 years ago. We both knew B for years prior to that. She came to visit dd when she was born. She was at her first birthday party. She was his friend, but we all socialized together for a long time. When we met her she was dating one of his band mates. At the first birthday party their affair was already underway. She's an amateur photographer so she took pictures for us. Of my family. While she was f***ing my husband. That detail has always particularly upset me. The freaking nerve. You know?

Anyway. I get along fine with him. We do things together with dd and always have. It took a while to get there. It was rocky at first. But now we'll even have dinner together with dd sometimes. I have no issue interacting with him anymore. But she has always been a sore spot.

I first saw her this spring. At a dance performance that ex invited dd and I to. He invited her too. He was working it as a videographer. When she came in dd got all excited and said: Look! There's B! And waved at her. I didn't make eye contact and she went to the other side of the theater to come down the same row without passing us. I had a panic attack and cried through the performance.

Next time I saw her was in June. At the rehearsal for dd's dance recital. I sat in the car and cried for probably an hour afterward. I posted then, actually. Probably a lot of the same info as here. The next night at the dance recital I saw her again but handled it better.

Saturday morning he came to pick dd up and she was waiting in the car in my driveway. That's when I realized I needed to get used to this. They're buying a house together. That is where dd will be living during her daddy time.

So despite the fact that I've been doing well overall this is the one thing I haven't been able to let go of yet. And as several of you mentioned, it's for me. Not them. That's the reason I've decided to forgive. I need to for me.

It's just the how of it. I've made a conscious decision to forgive them. I've got the logic down. It's the feelings that need to go. I did go through counseling when this happened. And I practiced meditation. I had severe anxiety and panic attacks for a long time afterward but I got it under control and got back to myself.

For so long I've just hated that they're still together and wished the karma everyone talks about would come around. I just wanted him to be with ANYONE but her. I wanted her to know that he's a liar and a cheater and whatever lies he told her about our marriage weren't true. And that she wasn't the only one he was cheating on me with. I wanted her to hurt like I did. And for her to know that she isn't so special he would leave his wife for her. (He didn't btw, I kicked him out).

It took me all this time to realize that I need to let that go. I need to forget the idea of revenge and karma. And fairness. Life isn't fair. A great injustice was done to me; but it is what it is. I need to let it go.

So that's where I'm at. And it's cathartic to type it out and express it here. So excuse my lengthy reply. But I know this is what I need to do to move forward. I need to be able to *actually* smile when dd talks about her instead of faking it and feeling a knife in my heart. I'm just not sure how. Other than telling myself to. That I'm choosing to forgive them for the pain that they've caused me. And I'm choosing to let go of that pain. I've been repeating that to myself like a mantra. It has helped some. I just need to get the rest of the way.

I would like to know this myself, panda.

I don't know if I have "forgiven" her but I know I've healed. I feel indifferent towards her and that's good enough for me. I no longer hurt. The sadness, anger, and whirlwind of emotions are gone. I relied on my faith. I prayed real hard to heal and gave it time .

I am on the other end of the spectrum, panda. He left me with my 2 year old dd and newborn to be with her. He disowned them. The day he left he didn't even tell me. He just got up and left like it was a normal work day and never came back . I called and texted for days. Then weeks turned into months. Finally, I pieced it together and knew everything. It's been a couple of years and I have never heard from him. He never attempted to contact me at least for our children. That still hurts.

But, I am now happier, however, I have this scar I will always carry within.

I made a choice one day that I wouldn't allow them to have that kind of power over me.

It was hard. I hate the pity she would at first try and put on me like "we can't help that our love is so powerful" "so sorry, that we are happy and in love and you're hurting..." "sorry he choose me" pshhh. Pleaseeeee ✋? I have known him for 12 years and while I hope he has changed, I really don't believe he has so if anyone is going to have the pity....it's me because Im on the better end of things. I've gone through that s*** ty part and she's just entering it.

It kind of took time and separating myself from them before I could really wrap my head around how i wanted to handle it. My ex was the opposite as yours. He immediately wanted her to be the step mom role and we all converse and if he was going to get a pic, she had to be included. If we were making plans involving our kids, his opinion was her opinion.

Then they got engaged. Then they announced their pregnancy and I just kept taking those blows and rising above them. Cry about it and move on. Focus on myself and my kids.

I think my biggest factor was I would never be the cause of her treating my kids differently. I didn't want her to take anything out on them and I wanted her to ultimately have a healthy relationship with them. My kids are my life and I want the best outcome for them. I don't want them to grow up and be like yea...my mom hated my step mom. Made things so s*** ty for us.
For my kids, we started planning things with all of us, and sometimes just me and her. Lol awkward.
I keep pretty strict boundaries. I don't ask about her pregnancy. I don't really want to discuss anything in her life. But if she wants to send me a pic of my kids or tell me a funny story about them, I'm glad to hear about it.

I think because she has seen me take the high road, it has made her step back and appreciate that I'm not going to be in their business, causing them problems. Makes her guard loosen up and able to be respectful and stay in her lane as well.

Just know it takes time. And the biggest thing is to stop thinking about it. When you find yourself dwelling, give yourself a mental shake and change the station. It's what's best for you regardless. Good luck!

You might not be into this, but I'm going to tell you what I did. I went to church. And I prayed often asking for help with forgiveness. It's the only thing that worked in 6 years.

Yes honey please do your best to forgive them!! My mom is that bitter women and it was hell growing up! My father cheated on my mom with my step mom. They have been together for like 20 something years. My parents can’t even be in the same room as each other because my mom is still so bitter and hurt!! It really sucked and still does. It’s one reason why I won’t have a proper wedding. My father came to both my sisters weddings then left!! It hurts me so bad. I have no advise on how to forgive but I know all about parents who don’t forgive so if u ever wanna talk just pm me

Remember that forgiveness is for you, not the person who wronged you. Plus you can find comfort in knowing that how she got him is probably the same way she'll lose him.

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Ugh it’s so hard! Look into books, meditation or maybe even therapy.

Keep in mind that forgiveness is for you not them. They never even have to know.

You can forgive her without accepting her. I have no advice for your situation, but I do hope the best for you. ?