I hate mixed emotions. So during labor, I ended up with a bunch of stitches. All the staff was surprised on how bad I tore (through a vein too). So after all the swelling went down and I felt like I could move normally again, my husband and I have been struggling to wait the 6 weeks. So last night we decided if we were genial and used plenty of lube that we should be good since it’s been over 4 weeks. So I lubed myself and finally was brave enough to feel around inside. I was surprised on how many stitches I still have. I was on top to set the pace and I can’t really describe how it felt. We were interrupted by crying after about a minute. After she was settled down again, hubby and I talked about it and I told him how I still want to but I don’t think it will happen with the stitches. He is so loving, understanding and supportive but I still can’t help but be emotional about everything. I can’t really explain how I feel. I want to try again and really soon but I’m not feeling great about still having so many stitches still. I’m embracing my physical changes yet I feel extremely judge when I receive a compliment. Long side story short but it turns out you can produce more milk than your body can keep up with nutritionally so now I’m watching every bite (another long side story short, events while in the hospital led me to feeling like a failure at breast feeding my baby so now I pump and feel like I need a large back up supply and I’m hoping to pump enough so I can stop pumping while she can still eat). I felt like I just needed to tell someone. I don’t feel depressed, I just needed to express myself