I am not sure if I have shared this with all of you, but my mother is pregnant and I am beyond…

I am not sure if I have shared this with all of you, but my mother is pregnant and I am beyond pissed/disappointed on top of making my pregnancy all about her she decided to get knocked up not because she wants a kid but so she can trap her now boyfriend. I don't think it's fair that my mother gets to have a kid with how badly she failed my sister and I.

My mother is not only an alcoholic, she was addicted to cocaine and still is to this day - she is also bi polar. My mother treated my sister like a queen and I got the short end of the stick, and I mean the short end. She abused me from the time I was a baby until I was old enough to fight back/defend myself. When I was just about Jackelyns age she not only tried to smother and kill me with a pillow she also tried to shove a spoon down my throat because I wouldn't stop crying and that was just the beginning. As I got older my mother would come home hammered and beat the living shit out of me, on the nights she came home with a man he would also beat on me, with her and if he didn't he would laugh while she beat me. When I was in elementary school I remember one time she beat me so badly, she threw my dresser drawers at me after destroying my room and everything I had - than she threw me down a flight of stairs before dragging me screaming and begging her to stop by my hair. & when she couldn't get alcohol or cocaine she took it out on me, and then when I started just taking it she decided to turn her attention on the one thing I loved the most, my dog.

Let's go backwards for a minute - when I was 5-6 years old she had been leaving me at home with my uncle, my uncle began molesting me and then raping me, one night she came home early my uncle jumped off me and laid in the bunk bed below, he forgot to pull my pants up my mother came in and asked " why are your pants pulled down " my uncle had drugged me so I laid there, unable to answer. When I finally told someone at my school what happened, what my uncle had been doing to me/forcing me to do I had HELL to pay when I got home that night, she didn't believe me even though she had seen my pants and underwear pulled down around my ankles -- she screamed at me and made me sit at the dinning room table, there she gave me a piece of paper and told me to " draw her what a dick looked like " I was just a child an because I was in the dark and most of the time drugged I could not draw what she had asked

me to, instead I drew my bunk beds with stick people one was me and the other my uncle I drew them with him on top of me , my mother called me a liar and beat me so bad she broke my ribs to this day my ribs are still broke now. Being called a pathological liar for the rest of my life was worse than being raped - but it didn't stop there no, my entire family believed I was lying because when my mother asked my sister what happened, she lied and told her nothing. She's admitted to it now and said she was petrified to admit to it because she seen what happened when I did.

When I first met my SO Steven, I was living with my mother and her crackhead boyfriend ( who is now in jail for drug related bs and b&e ) anyway, Steven remembers times where I would come to his place starving and tired because I was to afraid to sleep at my moms " house " so I would sleep there, One night he sent me home in a cab when I got there the door was locked and I had managed to get the landlord to open it but the chain lock was still on so I could only look in - my mother and her boyfriend were passed out, I yelled hell screamed at them to let me in, banged on the door but they didn't budge it was almost as if they were dead I managed to kick the door in completely and they still didn't budge. I went to my room and fell asleep. So my mother called Steven and asked if I were there and that I wasn't at home all the while I was asleep in my bed -- that's when Steven realized just how bad I had it there. But, that wasn't even the worse of it -- before this happened my mother crackhead boyfriend would often smoke crack and then " kook " out ( basically just means being paranoid and freaking out ) during these times, I was threatened with a knife by him ( he held it to my throat ) other times he would throw water at me forcing me to change my clothes constantly - I would catch him checking me out, which in return caused my mother to break out in a jealous rage . The last night we were there my mother had left me alone with this guy, he freaked out because my mother went out and dragged me outside of the house in just short shorts and a tank top , no shoes, no socks which wouldn't have been a problem if it weren't -20 outside but for some reason he was convinced I knew where she was and wasn't telling him- My mother finally got us out of there but put us in an even worse sittuation.

I fear for my mothers son, my brother. I honestly sometimes wish that he isn't born, he would be better off to think this isn't even half of what I went through , I will die before I let my brother experience the same hell.