How do I set respect and boundaries with my inlaws and how do I talk to my husband about it?
How do I set respect and boundaries with my inlaws and how do I talk to my husband about it?
I'm a newlywed and a first time mom. I come from a big loving family, so does my husband. I am the oldest in my family so this will be my parents first grandchild. My husband on the other hand is the youngest of his siblings, so our baby girl will be their 11th grandchild.
Surprisingly my in laws have been having a really hard time sharing with my family. There's been many times where this issue has come up.. on and off. But it has never gotten out of hand so my husband and I have been letting it go. I always knew this would get worse the day we got pregnant but we just hoped for the best.
Well right now I'm in this situation where I'm about to have a baby shower hosted at my inlaws home. They never considered or asked for my family's availability. And they kept this from me because they wanted to "surprise" me. As a result of this "surprise" and the very little time they spend with me. They sent invitations with the incorrect gift registries, and incorrect baby's name. I was unable to invite allot of people that I'd like to take a part of in this event, including my sister who had closed a contract for a job months ago on the date my in laws chose for the baby shower. They never really gave anyone a heads up and they only contacted my mom so she'd buy the cake and invite my friends. It's a little hard for my mom to know everyone I know. Anyway, she tried her best and texted the list to my sister in law.. Which made her very upset. She said the list was too short, and she didn't like that my mom texted instead of calling her. She told her to not get the cake after all and I feel that my mom has been getting bullied ever since... well I eventually found out about this "surprise" baby shower because of all this drama. And also because my sisters in laws seemed annoyed that my family wants to throw me a baby shower as well. I guess my sister in laws preferred that these parties be combined instead.
What I'm struggling with right now is that I try to talk to my husband about it but he gets a bit defensive and thinks that the only problem here was the lack of communication between the two, but I feel that there is something much deeper. I'm afraid that on the day of this baby shower my sisters in law will continue to bully my mom in public, and that I'll have to step in. Although my husband says that him and I will remain a team and offered to talk to his sisters before the event, to clear things up. I feel that he shouldn't talk to them until he truly understands what's truly happening between the lines.
I don't know how to nicely tell him that I think this is more of a bullying problem. I don't know how to present it to him without hurting his or my in laws feelings. His family is made up of single mothers or married to husband's who's families are absent. Their kids so far have dated partners who's parents are out of state or are not involved. I feel like I am the only inlaw they have to share a family with, and they are having a hard time dealing with that. My husband is usually the one to step in and set boundaries with his family. For example in situations like sharing holidays or when they pressure me in to baptizing our baby, and more obvious situations like that. I'm usually able to count on him for support. But in this case I feel that the problem is not very obvious to him and he might not see it the same way I do.
KBB·
Мама троих детей
IF I WERE YOU SCENERIO ; because I put my foot down:
If your in laws cannot respect your family enough to invite them to this “surprise” baby shower, I wouldn’t even have one. There would be no way in hell I’d attend a baby shower that my in laws threw if they felt self righteous enough to be mad at my own family for wanting to throw one.
1) how can they be mad if they didn’t even bother to invite your family.
2) your best and smartest move to make is to have 2 separate showers due to already drama.
3) YOU are the mother of this child. YOU HAVE THE LAST SAY💁🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️
Therefore everyone can fuck off.
KBB·
Мама троих детей
Your mom is your problem and his mom is his...
Tell him
“This is no longer a surprise party. The time and dates don’t work with my families schedule. Either we have two or we don’t have any and that’s that. Idc if YOUR mom gets mad. This is OUR child. Not hers, not your sisters... MINE AND YOURS... get it? So those are the options. Let her know and let me know what we’re going to decided. That’s MY compromise”
Diana Gtz·
@queenmee you're totally right I am better off having 2 separate baby showers. After I found out of how improper the invitation to my parents was and how they didn't even care to check if my own sister was able to attend , I was so hurt.. let's be real they're not doing this for me they're doing it for them. I mean they couldn't even get the baby's name right lol c'mon!
KBB·
Мама троих детей
@dianangtz, the baby’s name fuck up alone would’ve been means enough for me to cancel it all together.
So not only are they throwing you a baby shower, THEYRE naming you kid? Your next big issue is going to be delivery. So be ready to tell your SO that it’s only you and him and the first 24 hours all to you guys or he can sit it out with his mother in the lobby .
Angela·
Since it's not a surprise anymore I would tell them that you would like the baby shower date moved so all your family can be there. It's your baby shower it's supposed to be about what you want. Or you could just have separate baby showers if you feel more comfortable. I definitely think your husband should speak to his mom it's his family so it's more of his responsibility to speak up for you. He can just tell them that he doesn't feel like your family wasnt included enough and this is very special for them too! Try to tell him and the nicest way possible LOL I do that with my husband on his family because once I get defensive about my family then he gets defensive about.
KBB·
Мама троих детей
nicest way possible ? You think the in laws were trying to play as nice as possible ? There’s nothing nice about purposely excluding her family and making excuses for it THEN getting mad when trying to fix said “mistake”
Idgaf if my husband gets mad at me. This isn’t his mom and sisters child to be calling shots. If I’m not going to be as happy as a peach at MY baby shower . I’m not fucking going period.
The ONLY reason why I say have him talk to his mom, is because my husband doesn’t like the way I stand up for myself. I’m straight forward , blunt and I’m a bitch who will Scorch the damn earth if I have to , to make these stupid ass in laws realize that they cannot cross me, over step boundaries , or disrespect me because they WILL be put in their place...at least with my husband , he can be nicer with his family 😂😂 #HoneyIDontPlay
KBB·
Мама троих детей
@preciouslove, “your mom and sister are bitches. 1) for purposely excusing my family
2) thinking their the only people who can throw me a baby shower.”
That’s as nice as I was going to be if I were her 💁🏻♀️😏
Because fuck in laws
Angela·
@queenmee lmao true im crazy wen im mad!