energizederica21
Erica Lindgren
My man has turned a 180 in what seems like overnight. He checked in with me after work and mentioned an allowance when I do the chores he wants.
What he said triggered this way of thinking was what I finally revealed to him yesterday while he was at work. I try not to overload him with messages and typically let him be during the work day but something happened that I couldn't bottle inside anymore.
It had me feeling down for awhile, like I'm an incapable mother... I was at the grocery store after a long hour and half of shopping that would take me 10 minutes without kids. I get to the check out and my card can't cover all the expenses. I don't make money as a stay at home mom, not enough to not have to worry about being able to pay for things when I leave the house.
So I stay home and my boyfriend is the one who can take us places and pay for things like new clothes. I can't remember the last time I bought an article of clothing for myself. And it just clicked, my fear of being inadequate because I can't provide in that way.
When I was a hard working employee before our kids came along! I miss that so much. But being here with my kids trumps that priority list.. For the first 3 years, it's really important to me! And it is for him too.
So I hope things are really changing in my household! That my man will start to really be there for me and check in so I know what's going on! He understands that I need some kind of "me" money for the hard work I put in or I will continue to struggle to be consistent.
Anyways, things are looking up and I'm proud of my man for not becoming the same man is own father was. He will be better! (His dad is an alcoholic who cheated on his mom before their divorce and after 3 kids)
What he said triggered this way of thinking was what I finally revealed to him yesterday while he was at work. I try not to overload him with messages and typically let him be during the work day but something happened that I couldn't bottle inside anymore.
It had me feeling down for awhile, like I'm an incapable mother... I was at the grocery store after a long hour and half of shopping that would take me 10 minutes without kids. I get to the check out and my card can't cover all the expenses. I don't make money as a stay at home mom, not enough to not have to worry about being able to pay for things when I leave the house.
So I stay home and my boyfriend is the one who can take us places and pay for things like new clothes. I can't remember the last time I bought an article of clothing for myself. And it just clicked, my fear of being inadequate because I can't provide in that way.
When I was a hard working employee before our kids came along! I miss that so much. But being here with my kids trumps that priority list.. For the first 3 years, it's really important to me! And it is for him too.
So I hope things are really changing in my household! That my man will start to really be there for me and check in so I know what's going on! He understands that I need some kind of "me" money for the hard work I put in or I will continue to struggle to be consistent.
Anyways, things are looking up and I'm proud of my man for not becoming the same man is own father was. He will be better! (His dad is an alcoholic who cheated on his mom before their divorce and after 3 kids)
17.08.2017
7
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Let me just say he will never help if he doesnt have to. You have made it so he treats you like your beneath him so he doesnt have to change. Mine didnt happen overnight by any means. It took me working and going to school for him to realize what it actually takes. You see they dont realize how much you do until it isnt done!!! To get the appreciation i deserve i left him for 4 days with the kids by himself. Kind of a funny story if you want to hear it but that weekend changed everything. He never treated me like i didnt matter or i was "the help" but he didnt understand fully what it takes to keep a house running with children. This was 6 years ago. He understands now. Point is. He you dont hold him accountable and let him treat you that way he will. The biggest fear my hub has is that i will leave him and another man will be here to raise his sons and daughter everyday. He needs to respect you as the woman who brought his children into this world. If he didnt want you to have that position he should have gave it to someone else. You are the prize my dear. He should be grateful, not disrespectful . Guess who is watching??? Those boys and you are raising sons who thing they can treat mom like crap and do what they want because dad does. It is your job as there mother to have a healthy environment for them.
19.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
energizederica21
@beebaby, it is exactly that --restricted and uncomfortable. I've been here for almost 3 years. With this man for 5.5 years. I've let go of the anger, now I'm just confused
19.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
energizederica21
@beebaby, ugh. I wanna trade... my man is a boy. Doesn't know how to treat a woman at all. This is the kind of relationship I want but it's like he's too immature to give that to me right now. I'm in love with how you guys have things. And the fact that he never stops to wait for you to do something and just helps. I don't even know if that will change for me
19.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
First, when i gave myself to my husband we were committed to each other. I am his equal. What i do in the home was equivalent to what he did outside the home. I had the same opportunities he did. If he wanted to go out, cool enjoy. If i want to go out, cool enjoy. Gym, hanging out, extra curricular activities we both got to do. So it was never a situation of, he works all day so he can come home and kick up his feet, go out with his friends and sleep peaceful, meanwhile i stay at home, cook, clean, and take care of the kids and the kids are my responsibility. He got breaks at work, he eats lunch in peace and he takes a showrr and sleeps in peace and you go a few days without a good shower, eat when you can and clean up like a maid. That isnt a stay at home parent in my view. My hub can work 12 hour day and come in and cook dinner, bathe the baby and clean the bathrooms. If he seen something needed to be done he lifted a hand and helped. He didnt wait for me to do it. This is just an example, not speaking on your situation but my husband never wanted me to work, i like working so now we share all the responsibilities, cleaning and children. That is my idea of a partnership. His money is my money period and vice versa
18.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
energizederica21
@beebaby, how would you describe yourself in this way? :)
18.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
energizederica21
@beebaby, am I wording this wrong? Is there something I should try to make him understand? I just want to feel like I'm not trapped at home and can buy things as I please. But I also know that money is tight and I need to be smart about my purchases.
18.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
energizederica21
@parismommmy, my man does a really good job at saving and I've got debts I want to pay off before I go saving my own money. We have a savings for our kids that I put money into though. I guess I just never asked for money, like a weekly thing, so I was becoming more and more resentful towards my man for not caring when he dropped a couple hundred on something. I worked for months to buy him a Father's Day present and it would just be nice to be able to see my hard work actually account for something.
17.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
energizederica21
@beebaby, see I can buy what I need but is not being married, we want to keep our accounts separate. I'm able to write checks from his account to buy things but I had forgotten his checkbook at home. I always have my debit card and he's agreed to always keep $100 for back up in those situations. I guess I shouldn't say "for the chores" but that's a big part of it. I hate to clean so much that I need a reason to do it. I'd play with my kids all day and let the house go to crap if it wasn't for my boyfriend. An allowance is a weekly amount I make just for being home and staying motivated but I don't think I deserve my own spending money if I'm not going to hold up the end of the deal he's wanting improved on. I can use his credit cards to purchase things if I wanted but I'm really not the shopping type. I feel a lot of guilt when buying things for myself when there is so much my kids and house need. This will allow me to spend freely on things I want for myself without overdoing it.
17.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
I dont even do the giving money thing period. We have a joint account, if i need something then i get it. It isn't based off an allowance at all. I am an adult. Regardless of if i bring money in or not im saving us 1700 by not working. I work 6 jobs as caretaker, maid, chef, chauffeur and more. I am not waiting on an allowance. I just buy what i need @parismommmy
17.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
I was gonna ask the same thing @beebaby, said.
I don't agree with the way it's said money for the chores you do.
I'm a SAHM and I get where your coming from needing your own money. Me and my husband agreed on giving me a certain amount every week. But it's not because of the chores I do. If I don't do anything he will still give me that money.
I don't agree with the way it's said money for the chores you do.
I'm a SAHM and I get where your coming from needing your own money. Me and my husband agreed on giving me a certain amount every week. But it's not because of the chores I do. If I don't do anything he will still give me that money.
17.08.2017 Нравится Ответить
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