#momlifechats with Dr. Christi

A5 Thank you so much! That is very kind of you to say. I have experienced mom shaming, too, in many different ways--from family members criticizing my decision to go to grad school with 2 young children at home, to a legal battle with my nephews' (now my sons') grandparents, to block our adoption of them, in which we were ordered to get a "parental fitness" evaluation! It's rough, and I have felt that so often. Now that I have more years under my belt as a mom, however, and now that I have 2 kids who are in college, I really do see just how unique every situation is. I see how different my kids are. I see how what worked when I had all six young kids at home doesn't work now that I only have four and they're all a little older. When others try to "shame" me, I remember these things. Also, I've worked on building my self-worth over the years, and this has been a HUGE help. I am so much more confident in my abilities as a mother. I know I'm a good mother, even with all my faults, and I know how to remind myself of my true worth when I'm criticized, which, believe me, I am. At times, it's online in a chat or forum, or even in a book review! So, it's not easy, no, but it's definitely something my self-worth helps me block as I remind myself, "You're awesome, and you know iT! That person is just projecting!" I love that whole concept, because it's so true!!

@drchristihibbert, that's such a good way to look at shaming. Being a mom is hard and everyone's family is unique. Let's not be so quick to judge! That's truly helpful. Q6 Here's another mom from the app: It seems like no matter who we are we get mom shamed, I am a young mom (20) and get mom shamed by my own mom...how do I shut this down?

A6 Being shamed by our own parents/in-laws is the worst, and it's unfortunatley quite common. Often it's unintentional and just our mother's way of tell you how "she did it". Other times, it's on purpose. I think this comes from insecurity, as all shaming does. If we feel that sense of self-worth, we don't need to shame others. Perhaps your mother just doesn't "get" what you're trying to do as a mom. Perhaps she is jealous of how you are as a mom. Whatever the reason, you don't have to just sit and take it. Boundaries are a wonderful tool for this. Boundaries are rules you set up to protect yourself and your family. It's like a fence you construct and you decide if it's a picket fence or a tall brick wall. You decide what is and is not okay for you as a mom with others, and then you talk with them about what you've decided, and if they're ok with it, then great! If not, you'll need to be tough and keep your boundaries nonetheless. You can still love someone and have strong boundaries. In fact, it's a healthy practice!