My dear little Layden, I never knew.

My dear little Layden,

I never knew.

I never knew that I was capable of loving somebody the way that I love you. It never occurred to me that this type of love existed. I never knew that when I first heard your cry into this world that it would rock me to the core of my innermost being. I never knew that the first time I saw you, it would overwhelm me with so much Grace and affection.

I never knew.

For 9 months before your arrival, I was afraid. I was afraid that I wasn't capable of being a mother to a daughter. I was afraid that I wouldn't raise you up to be the godly woman that I hope you become. Fearful that I would fail you like I had been failed. But little did I know that you would fill a void so deep down inside of me.

The void has been there for a very long time and I easily missed it because I didn't know that it would be for you. I spent my whole life trying to get over rejection, insecurities, fears, & failure, only to realize that I'm still working through the bitterness and scars that's left within. Because of this pain, my desire was to be a mother of boys because girls are emotional and they take more patience.

Then you came along. I wasn't afraid of you, I was afraid for you. This world is scary and evil. It will beat you down and make you feel so little and I didn't want that for you. But there you were on the monitor. So little and active. Your heart beating so strong.

As time went on in my pregnancy I would worry. Worry for what was to come in your life. But as you kicked and punched within my womb, I would pray for you. I prayed that you wouldn't have to experience rejection the way that I did. I prayed that you would know how loved you are and always will be. I prayed that you wouldn't find your identity in anything other than Christ Jesus. I prayed that you will know Truth and not depart from it. But most of all, I prayed that you will one day fall to your knees and repent from the sin that took hold of your heart as you entered this world.

And all the while as I prayed for you, I forgave myself. I let go of the hurt and the pain that I carried with me for so long. The void that was left by my past was filled with you. It was filled with Christ. It was filled with love. You changed me in more ways than one. God is delivering me from so much through you baby girl.

So thank you Layden. Thank you for making me a mother. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. Your daddy and I are your biggest fans!

So as I sit and watch you sleep, know that you complete your daddy and I. That you are so very very loved.

Love, mommy.