Got this off "What to expect" For the moms who have trouble bonding with their newborn, It's nice to know it wasn't just me...HAVE A READ LADIES

Postpartum BondingQuestion: "I just had my baby girl — a baby that I was so looking forward to having — and I totally don't feel like a mother to her. I'm certainly not bonding with my baby like I thought I would. Is there something wrong with me?"

79

shares

Ask Heidi Murkoff

Moments after delivery, you're handed your long-anticipated bundle of joy, and your newborn is more beautiful and more perfect than you ever dared to imagine. Your baby looks up at you and your eyes lock in a heady gaze, forging an instant maternal-child bond. As you cradle her tiny form, breathe in her sweetness, cover her soft face with kisses, you feel emotions you never knew you had, and they overwhelm you in their intensity. You're a mom in love.

And most likely, you were dreaming — or, at least, pregnant daydreaming. Birthing-room scenes like this one are the stuff dreams (and commercials) are made of, but they don't represent reality for a lot of new moms. A more realistic childbirth scenario: After a long, hard labor that's left you physically and emotionally drained, a wrinkled, puffy, red-faced stranger is placed in your awkward arms, and the first thing you notice is that your newborn doesn't quite resemble the chubby-cheeked baby you'd been expecting. The second thing you notice is that your baby doesn't stop squalling. The third, that you have no idea how to make her stop squalling. You struggle to nurse her, but she's uncooperative; you try to socialize with her, but she's more interested in squalling, and then in sleeping — and frankly, at this point, so are you. And you can't help wondering (after you've woken up): Have I lost my opportunity to bond with my baby?

Absolutely not. The process of newborn bonding is different for every parent and every baby, and it doesn't come with a time limit. Though some moms bond faster than others with their newborns (perhaps because they've had experience with infants before, their expectations are more realistic, their labors were easier, or their babies more responsive), few find that attachment forming with super-glue speed. The bonds that last a lifetime don't bind overnight; rather, they form gradually, over time. In fact, nearly half of all new moms report not feeling any genuine feelings for their baby until the end of the first week. One study even found that it takes an average of two to nine weeks for mothers to have positive feelings toward their newborns. What's more, experts believe that a really strong attachment to a child doesn't completely take hold until somewhere in the second half of a baby's first year.

So give yourself time — time to get used to being a mother (it's a major adjustment) and time to get to know your baby (who, let's face it, is a newcomer in your life). Meet your baby's basic needs (and your own), and you'll find that love connection forming — one day (and one cuddle) at a time. And speaking of cuddles, bring 'em on. The more nurturing you do, the more like a nurturer you'll feel. Though it may not seem like motherhood is coming naturally at first, the more time you spend cuddling, caressing, feeding, massaging, singing to, cooing to, and talking to your baby — the more time you spend skin to skin and face to face — the more natural it will start feeling, and the closer you'll become. Believe it or not, before you know it — you'll feel like the mother you are (really!), bound to your baby by the kind of love you've dreamed of.