trying my hardest to just let this go. clearly he doesn't want to be with me. if he did, he would be…

trying my hardest to just let this go. clearly he doesn't want to be with me. if he did, he would be with me. right? second time he's broken my heart, this time he leaves me with a baby. he didnt even care enough about his family to think twice. I told him that I'm not his toy to be picked up and put down as he pleased. he hasn't even spent a single dime on our son. I never imagined things would end up like this, never thought he'd do me like this. I thought he was different. never imagined he would cheat. and then continue t to lie about it. and when I want to break down and just cry about it all, the loss of Joel, his father's increasing distance, and finally losing the man I love all in a time span of 30 days, I can't. I can't just cry and stay home underneath the covers like I really to do. I don't have anyone to hold me at night anymore. no one to rub my swollen, aching feet after being on them literally all day. no one to massage my back. no one to vent my daily frustrations or to call when something funny happens. I lost my companion too. I'm lonely. stuck between chasing after him and letting him go. I wonder what I did wrong, what I could have done better, what went wrong, what made him do it, why wasn't I enough woman for him? why did I have to look in his phone? my womanly intuition told me he was cheating without proof. why do I still want to be with him after everything? what's wrong with me? why doesn't he want to be with me? what's wrong with me? am I getting too fat for him? he isn't interested sexually? do I bore him? what's wrong with me? why doesn't he love me? his lips say he does but his actions say otherwise. how do I let this hurt go?