I just want to be happy in my relationship. More than anything in the world. I just want him to be…

I just want to be happy in my relationship. More than anything in the world. I just want him to be happy with me but I feel like that's an impossibility. . I have been trying to be good enough for him for the last 3 years. We are coming up on our one year and it's killing me to see how happy I was a year ago because I can't be that happy now. Anytime I think it's okay to be happy again, life comes around & knocks me on my ass. Every time we fight it's always my fault, no matter what . About a month ago he tried to leave me, my heart felt like it was being ripped out of my chest , so I begged him to stay. Even though his reason for leaving I didn't agree with. So then I started keeping my mouth shut, just letting everything go even if it upset me and trying to keep a smile on my face while I'm dying inside, eventually he would ask what is wrong and I'd be scared to tell him anything but he'd really want to know so I'd break down and tell him, he wouldn't agree & back to arguing we went & guess who's fault it'd be again? Mine. I literally can't talk to him about anything because it ALWAYS turns around to bite me in the ass no matter what it is. He has me so scared of being wrong that I can't even open my mouth when I'm right. ! Then when I'm right for ONCE , brave enough to say something he thinks I'm bragging about it when I bring it up to him to notice how much that moment really hurt me. I walk on eggshells.....Every moment of my life. From asking him to clean the cat box, to taking the trash out, to not helping him find himself a pair of underwear. All I want is for him to see what he does, to understand how much it's hurting me , and to realize how much I want to make it work. But I swear it's NEVER going to happen and I don't want to bring my son into whatever this mess of a relationship is ! I want the world for my family. A nice home with family photos, a backyard for my son & his animals , a great job for the both of us to be able to get our son whatever we want and still live comfortably. All I want is for him to want to hold me when it's not about sex... all I want is for him to root for me in a race instead of trying to coach me. I want his support. I want him to believe in me and remember that he's always been able to count on me. I literally feel like he fucking hates me. At first I didn't but then when I noticed he has seen how much I hurt over this & it doesn't affect him . When I keep it to myself it hurts me even more ! I want to cry every single day and I used to ! But eventually I started feeling awful about the pain I was causing my son and I learned to contain myself. And nobody would even think that there are days I feel like I can't be a mom because I feel like dying, I feel like my son would be better without me, I'm always a pawn in someone's life, to be used and left behind by everyone I loved so much. I KNEW he would be the father of my kid someday. I never thought I'd go through this though. When I look back and see when everything fell together, I feel like I'm living a nightmare, in a very dark place where everything is falling apart, an alternate universe. I wish I could move the clouds and feel the sun on my skin, to remind me that I'm still alive. I don't understand why I expect him to change if he hasn't yet, I guess it's because I watched how much he changed since we got together. It's not really so much about how much he changed himself, it's about how he changed towards me. The way he looks at me , thinks about me, feels about me, the way he treats me. I do nothing right in his eyes. When I ask for help with anything he acts like it's a big deal or like I asked a lot of him. He acts shitty every time I ask him to do something he doesn't want to do or he's super lazy about it when he does it so I have to redo it anyway then he gets even more mad. I literally don't know what to do anymore. I can't ever make him see what he's doing to me. . . I can't ever explain enough to anyone, ever find words good enough to say no matter how long I think about it.....he . will . never . understand . & Nobody else will ever understand why I stay, not. even. myself. 💔