Its taken me a long time to process this last week.. I sat packing and unpacking and repacking a…

Its taken me a long time to process this last week.. I sat packing and unpacking and repacking a hospital bag for a birth that i thought would happen one way.. Or at least one way.. You charge your high tech camera for hours expecting to take all these pictures of the visitors who were suppose to be at your bed site holding your brand new baby crying.. You pack all these baby clothes, yes overpacking, expecting them to be all cozy in them.. You pack a cute nightgown to be seen in.. And then you pick out your family cute going home outfits expecting to take your baby in her carseat down to your car..

You expect to have that moment where your baby takes their first breath and she is placed on top of your chest and your crying and your husband leans over crying and kisses you.. You expect to hear your doctor yell "its a girl!" And yell the time of birth. You expect to walk into your postpartum room to a baby bed warm and ready with your baby in there. You expect all these things..

Yet you deliver a baby girl who is taken instantly from you to a bed full of nurses who are slamming on her back and pulling meconium from her lungs.. You look over and your baby is blue.. You look in front of you and your doctor is so concentrated on what they are doing with your child that you dont know the sex of your baby (even though you have seen it in ultrasound) you dont know when your baby was born, how much she weighed or how long she is.. You look to the side of you and your husband grabs your face and your both crying and kissing each other in fear trying to comfort each other as you are shaking in fear.. Your husband has to leave your bedside following your daughter who is being pushed down the hall to the NICU hearing by himself"shes fighting for her life". Your doctor leaves your room so distraught, and the nurses around you are trying so hard to keep you calm in the worse moment of your life.. The worse moment that was suppose to be so beautiful..

Then you are taken to the room where your daughter has hoses in her throat and wires in her belly button. A loud machine that is breathing for your baby.. And you look at her and you dont see any of that.. You see this beautiful baby.. A baby you cant hold... You cant touch.. You cant kiss.. The baby you held for nine months that is fighting for her life over something that was unavoidable and a complete accident..

Then you go up to a room that feels cold.. No baby bed.. No baby.. And you are so thankful you left the carseat and diaper bag that your dad was suppose to bring once she was born.. And you lay in a room alone with your husband and you cry.. And you hurt and you ache.. Not knowing if a doctor will walk into your room and tell you that you baby didnt make it... You are laying in a bed.. Where your body is aching for the labor it just endured.. And you are bleeding shedding everything that just held this baby for nine months.. And your breasts ache to feed a baby especially when your room is silent and your eyes are swollen and all you do is hear the babies that surround your room cry.. And you know those mamas and daddys are sitting there so unsure of themselves and this thing that keeps crying but they are so joyful.. All night long doctors and nurses are coming in and you see the sorrow on their faces for you.. Especially when you freak out because you think they are their to deliver bad news when all they want to do is check your blood pressure and offer you pain medication..

Your family is the only ones to bring you flowers and balloons as if all your friends who have ever been apart of your pregnancy journey wont even recognize the fact that you just had a baby when there too afraid of hurting your feelings but in all reality your aching for them to come and hug you and tell you it will be okay even though your scared shitless that your baby will have brain damage..

Then the moment comes where you are to leave the hospital without your baby.. You came here to do one thing.. To birth a baby and take your baby home.. And yet you walk hand in hand with your husband through the big doors.. And to a car trying not to break down screaming and crying and hurting.. You hold yourself together because that baby you are leaving behind needs you to be so strong. So fucking strong.

And then you sit down with your family and the doctor and you are trying to prepare yourself for the worse.. You are about to hear what happened, what went wrong, and what they are trying to do to fix it and avoid anything else happening. And you hear "she is going to be a perfectly healthy baby girl when you take her home" and your heart finally feels okay.. But then you cant help but look at your baby girl and think i almost lost you.. I didnt know you.. Didnt meet you yet.. And almost lost you..