warning venting this is long and I'm sorry but I have nobody I can vent to in my life that will…

warning venting this is long and I'm sorry but I have nobody I can vent to in my life that will understand

Ive always struggled with depression. I've also had to go thru this struggle with our any help. my dad has that mind set of "it's not a real problem get over yourself" my mom tries to help but I can't really explain that one. my fiance doesn't understand that sometimes when I'm having an "episode" I guess I'll call it. it's not caused by a specific thing like an arguement or something. so he gets frustrated with me when I'm having an episode. he doesn't understand the whole "be quiet and hold her when she cries" rule for a year almost it's gotten worse I've started having really bad anxiety attacks also. his ex wife has caused me so much stress in our relationship all the way from dragging out a divorce as long as she can, to making their son see horrible actions to even claiming she was pregnant with his child when she wasn't... (which now she says it was a lie the baby is here bfs*baby looks identicle to the dude* always has been she just wants us to break up) and no matter what he does she won't stop sending him little memories of their relationship or begging him to love her again even tho she is on a relationship with the guy she left c for. keep in mind this chick cheated on him with four of his coworkers on a regular basis one of them was his close friend to which she slept with every day during this guys lunch break, refused to get a job out keep the house clean or take care of their son but had no problem spending his entire paycheck in two days and forget to pay the rent and bills. I treat his son like my own. I love that boy just like he was mine he deserves to know at least one of the "moms". loves him and will spend time with him. on top of all this I still beat my self up about my first born and not feeling like I deserve to have him for a son. I was so young when I had him I did it by myself until me and c got together in 8/14 I could never do the things that I dreamed about doing for him and I still can't. I hate the fact that he's seen me cry. but yet how is it that my almost four year old can see me cry or any girl for that matter and instead of asking what's wrong he just runs over and holds me and tells me he loves me. he's going to be an amazing husband one day... i m trying to get c credit back up, make sure all the bills are paid, the lawyer is paid. see our newborn in the NICU whose going to be in there until my birthday/his due date mid february and spend time with the eldest two boys. and. I'm trying as hard as I can to get the boys something for Christmas. I'm literally killing myself to make sure the my family is taken care of and happy. idk what to do anymore. I don't go a day with out having a break down and I try to hide my depression as much as I can and not show people just how bad the stress gets to me. I drop to the floor in the shower crying because I feel like the world is on my shoulders and I have a million thoughts running thru my head and no way to vent them out.