saw this on BBC , too much work to try,and induce labor for me but it gave me a good laugh! I've…

saw this on BBC , too much work to try,and induce labor for me but it gave me a good laugh!

I've come up with a plan for a fool-proof method to naturally self-induce.  Please let me know if you have any success.

Stop shaving your vagina the very minute your pee stick tests positive.

In your 9th month of pregnany, check your calendar and stop shaving your legs exactly two weeks before the next full moon is set to occur and make sure this full moon coincides with the snow storm of the century.

At exactly one week before the full moon spend some time making sure your hospital bag is not packed, your baby’s furniture is not put together and your make-up bag gets misplaced.  You really don’t want to be ready for this.

On the day before the full moon…

Wake up and mix 1oz of castor oil with orange juice and drink only this for breakfast.  Instead of a shower fill up your tub with warm water, dump 3 cups of table salt in the water and sit in it for 45 minutes while stimulating your nipples. Afterwards you will need to pee so relieve yourself but don’t forget to check the toilet paper and the toilet bowl for any signs of your mucus plug.

Drink a 1oz shot of castor oil after your bath.  Next, walk up and down the steps of your home 12 times before heading to the kitchen.  For lunch have your SO or labor partner make you some kraft mac and cheese.  Please stay away from all ingredients for you are NOT allowed to participate in the cooking of this meal... it MUST be made by someone else. Have this person bring you your lunch with a bottle of A1 sauce.  Sit on a yoga/birthing ball and roll your hips in a figure 8 while you eat your lunch.  When you’ve consumed every last bite begin to bounce on your ball for 30 minutes.  Stop.  Drink 2oz of castor oil.  Head to the bathroom to relieve yourself once more.  Wipe, and check.  For an afternoon treat, spend some time mopping your kitchen floor while neighing like a horse and skipping.  If you fall, it’s okay... it will only help move things along.  When you finish the mopping cozy up on your floor, do some deep squatting and drink some chamomile tea mixed with 2oz of castor oil.  After enjoying the chamomile tea, mix together raspberry leaf tea and ginger tea in a clear plastic bottle, shake.  chug as fast as you can. Time yourself and if you drink the mixture in less than 15 seconds, you can continue with the induction process.  If not, start over.  If you have to use the bathroom again, don’t forget to check for signs of that mucus plug.  If you miss seeing the plug, your labor will not progress.

For an afternoon snack, cut up an entire pineapple and eat it being sure you eat the rind as well, for that is what contains the all important ingredient needed to induce your labor. Wash down the pineapple with pineapple juice mixed with 5oz of castor oil and some dr. pepper.

Next, head out to the most public place you can think of… the mall.  If your water breaks, this is where you want it to happen because your labor will be easier.  Find the small corner store in the mall that does nails and get yourself a pedicure.  Make sure the nail technician is skilled in labor inducing foot massages and that he hits all the correct pressure points. After your pedicure, “accidentally” knock the bottle of polish remover onto the floor and step in it.  Refuse any offer to have your toenails re-painted and insist that you like the way it looks.

Walk home from the mall.

For dinner, have your SO or labor partner take you to a nice Italian restaurant that specializes in Eggplant Parmesan and demand that they make you tacos.  Add as much hot sauce as you can stand and then add a little more... before consuming.  Wash this down with a cup of vinegar mixed with 5oz of castor oil.  After dinner, have your SO or labor partner drive you home on the bumpiest road you can find.  By the time you get home, it should start snowing heavily outside. Go to the bathroom.. wipe and check… even if you don’t have to go... and then flush.  Brew a pot of coffee in your toilet and sit on it for 30 minutes.  Wipe, check.  Before heading to bed, boil a pint of castor oil in your tea pot and pour over three raspberry leaf tea bags.  Drink this with two straws.

Walk up and down the stairs in your home 12 times before making your way to your bedroom.  Have sex 2-3 times before going to bed and if ANY of that semen doesn’t get into your vagina, you must drink it with some castor oil.  Lastly, stay up all night and fight any sleep.  You want to be sure you are extremely tired before you go into labor.

On the morning of the full moon your water will break. PLEASE POST THIS ON BBC.  The rest of us need to know about it, otherwise you will be sent home from L&D at least 3 times before things kick into gear because only we can give you advice on whether or not this is real labor.  The BBC should ALWAYS be the first to know what’s going on.  After your water breaks and you submit your post, wait one hour and 34 minutes.  At that time your phone will ring and contractions will begin.  You should be 9cm dilated at this point and if you run to the hospital your baby will be delivered before lunch time.