I remember having that feeling when I was in the hospital about to loose my son. Bleeding and bleeding and not knowing what I did to cause it. And I though I must change my thoughts for his sake I must because all of my energy goes into him and the process of him become who he is. It's so crucial to his growth as a humane being. Try your best not to hate it. Please try cause your little one needs you to be unstressed. Try do something nice for your self