Sorry for your loss ??

My comment is going to be super redundant because it's all over now. My (at the time) 2-yr-old was in the hospital room with my nan when she passed. He's been to funerals before. I think sheltering kids from literally everything is what creates the inability to cope with things later in life. They are resilient; it's just how you guide them through that matters. Some things are definitely age appropriate but I personally think death in the family is something that they can understand and cope with.

Just a little update: we ended up bringing the kids with us for a big part of the day (except we spent like 3 hours at my BIL's house with the cousins and we didn't bring our 1.5 yo at the church). It was closed casket and DD (our 4 yo) didn't even ask questions about what was happening, she just followed along. Only thing is that I spent all day taking care or following the kids so I didn't feel like I took part in the funeral and I'm utterly exhausted.

Thanks everyone, I appreciate the input :)

You don't have to take the kids to the coffin.. take turns paying your respects with your husband. Go with your gut, if you feel they aren't ready for it, don't force it, but I wouldn't act like it's uncomfortable or unnatural around them.. keep it easy and flowing.. leave them with your mom at the back of the room or let her take them to get some fresh air while y'all pay your respects..

As far as the grave side service.. my kids were oblivious at the cemetery.. so much going on and such they didn't pay much attention to the actual funeral and we were far enough that they never saw the lowering and things..

That being said.. don't let anyone make you feel like they have to or should be there.. if your not comfortable with it. Don't.

So sorry for your family's loss. I would talk to her about it before the funeral. That's a very tough situation. I've talked to my almost 5 year old about deaths/funerals. I had to go to one recently and so did my husband. So I just talked with him about it. He's never been to one though

You literally have no idea

I'm 23 and I've never been to a funeral. When my grandad passed I was between 7- 10 and my dad didn't want us to experience something so somber at that age. It's never really bothered me as I don't think I would of been able to understand half of what was going on etc. IMHO I don't think funerals are a place for any child. A wake afterwards once the service is over, yes, but it could potentially be traumatizing for a young child to see a relative lowered into the ground. You will know in your heart what's the right thing to do though, mothers intuition for her own is never wrong. Sorry for your loss

Thanks for your input ladies! I can see both points of view, I'll discuss with DH to see what he thinks and we'll be able to decide what to do.

My daughter has been to 4 funerals since she was 3. She's five now. I just explain to her that so and so died and they are in heaven with Jesus now. Simple and to the point. Then we went, and she was fine. She saw me cry, but she also saw me pull myself together and talk with people about how wonderful grandma, aunts, whoever it was, was. I told her the same thing when our hamster died, the hamster went to heaven to see Jesus and grandma. She helped dig the hole to burry the hamster. Death isn't a big deal to her.

I lost my daughter in 2014 & had a burial and open casket, and my niece was barely 2 going on 3 years old. My sister explained it to her and she understood there was no baby in my tummy. She wasnt traumatized, she was given a gift to leave in the casket with her and I think it formed a bond. We explained heaven to her then, but now she knows what "dead" and "death" are at 4 going on 5.

Act like paying respects to a dead body is normal because it is and lo wont be traumatized. Kids are far more interested in this stuff than adults. Just explain to him about grandpa being dead in the casket and ask if he wants to see him to say goodbye. See if be wants to draw him a picture to take with him.

I would leave the kids home. It's a stressful day, lots of people crying that can be overwhelming and scary to younger kids on top of a body being present. I would tell mil I understand why she wants them there but this works better for our family and this is how we decided to do it.

Condolences

My pawpaw passed away in January. I took my kids. They saw him. Judge if you want. They aren't scarred.
They adored him and he loved those kids. They were almost one and almost three. I wanted them to understand he didn't just disappear and know he didn't just up and leave. I grew up going to funerals and seeing my loved ones. My husband had no problems with it.
It's up to you with what you're comfortable with. I explained to the best of their understanding their pawpaw passed away, but he would always be with them.

This one is tough. If you tried to explain to your dd what's going on I don't know if her 4 year old mind will understand what's going on so it could go 2 ways: her being oblivious at the funeral or be very inquisitive and then not understand why the body is in a coffin not moving.

Personally, I would leave my dd at home, cremated or not, until I feel she can better understand death. If you feel like she can understand and not be traumatized then take her.

I think it could be a good learning experience for her but at the same time you are her mom so only you know her best.

If you feel like you would want to wait to talk to her about it maybe your so could come back to his brother house and you could take shifts and have him watch them for a little bit so you could pay your respects