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So my MIL has two grandkids right now (my daughter and my B…

So my MIL has two grandkids right now (my daughter and my BIL’s daughter) and she has made maybe 30% effort towards my daughter but always goes above and beyond for my niece. She will go pick my niece up and keep her for hours or days. She buys the kids the exact same things every time she buys something (they are almost 2 years apart so they have very different interests). She refuses to celebrate my daughters birthday without celebrating my niece as well and that’s just tiny details.
Ex: last year we were supposed to have a private thing at her work because she had to miss the party and instead of spending that time with my daughter she had my BIL bring my niece too (without us knowing) so that both girls could have gifts which were IDENTICAL and this year she brought my niece a gift to my daughters party.
She has babysat my daughter 3 times total and the longest was while I was getting my wisdom teeth removed. I’m now pregnant and have doctors appointments and such and I have no one else other than my mom to keep my daughter but my mom usually drives or rides with me to my appointments because I have severe anxiety when driving outside of my tiny little town. I’ve asked her a few different times if she would mind keeping my daughter while I had to go to an appointment and she always has an excuse. Literally the last time I asked she told me no but she was keeping my niece all night and into the next day. I only had to go in and get blood drawn and was done. My daughter has also asked her SEVERAL times if she could stay with her and she tells her no and gives her an excuse as well. I know that she is by no means obligated to watch my kid. I also know that she’s older so the gifts and celebration things may just be different to her. But they will literally drive past my house and even blow the horn but won’t stop to visit my daughter. They think we should bring her over. They get a little passive aggressive when they randomly stop by at 8-9pm and my daughter has decided to stay all night with my mom and they don’t get to see her. My MIL keeps making comments about having 3 grand daughters and “she doesn’t know how she’s going to handle that” and just little things like that. I’m not saying that she doesn’t love my daughter. She just makes very visible differences between both girls. I know that the older my girl gets, the more she’s going to see it and I hate thinking about how I’m supposed to explain why mamaw doesn’t do the things with her that she does with her cousin. And personally, I dread dealing with my MIL once my second daughter is born because she’s going to want to see her and such and I just feel like if she can’t make the effort for my first daughter she shouldn’t be trying to come around just to see the new baby. That makes me feel petty and I probably sound petty but this woman has had 4 whole years to create a bond with my daughter and she just chooses not to. I feel like maybe if she would’ve just put in a little bit, I wouldn’t feel this way. She doesn’t call to check on my daughter, doesn’t message on FB, doesn’t come by except once every few months when it’s bedtime... but will post both girls on her Facebook talking about how much she loves “her girls”.... sorry this is so long and all over the place. I’m just irritated today because I have my glucose test in a few weeks and don’t have anyone to watch my daughter and she’s not allowed in and I just already know not to even ask my MIL which hurts my heart a little bit because my BIL takes my niece over there just so they can go to the grocery store but I can’t ask her to help me out while I have my glucose test 😅

Комментарии

— I didn’t even need to read all that it’s pretty much like my situation I’d block her ass and just let her ass slip away my husbands mom has never even held my son and he’s 6 don’t know one thing about him and that’s her blood she don’t like me or my kids no shit off my shoulder 🤷🏼‍♀️ make it very clear she needs to kick rocks don’t post my kids don’t come over stay away it’s confusing and she need to get her head out her ass I don’t go social media so I don’t deal with no family bs it’s easier nobody calls or cares anyway no point in bending over backwards make snide comments like she does say no granny don’t like you only my sisters kids that will irk her hopefully

— I have the same problem they only way my MIL will watch my kids or a kid because I only need help with one she either expects something like a favor or for us to pay her ...I only just keep distance and the only time my mil would want to come over is so she could bring her other grand kids so they can play with all my kids toys because I have a shit load but after my hubby got tired of hearing all the crying of his nephews she got offended and stopped brining them because we told her she can come alone to visit but I don't care to ask her for favors. If I really need a sitter I ask my older son but in your situation any way you can ask hubby to take day off that way you won't have to deal with excuses

— I feel for you except in my case it’s my own mother that does this. I have 4 kids my youngest and my niece are the same age. Literally born 2 hours apart. She used to do a lot with my oldest but stopped when she was around 10-11 she is now 12 and she never sees her. She never had ANY interest in my boys and doesnt care about my youngest daughter unless she’s comparing her to my niece which they are nothing alike at all. I shouldn’t be surprised since she pulled favorites with my sister and I. I spent my childhood with my grandparents until my sister came but we have no relationship. I only talk to them when I have to. My inlaws though are freaking amazing. I guess theres always some family member who plays favorites. I think its ridiculous myself.

— I hate the favorites thing so much! My MIL has supposedly always shown favoritism to my BIL. I have seen it a few times but my husband claims it’s been like that his whole life. He doesn’t even get a phone call unless they (my MIL and FIL) need him to come fix something at their house but my BIL gets phone calls daily. I used to think that my niece got more attention because she was her first grand baby and the oldest but nothing has ever changed. It’s only got worse. I don’t think my girls will have a good relationship with her at all if this continues but I just don’t even know how to have that conversation with my MIL.

— @mamallama2317, I would first see how your husband feels about them not having much of one with her. My husband sees all the time how bad my family play favorites and treat me and my kids like we don’t matter. He’s more than ok they don’t come around.

— I have this issue with my mother, except she shows an active disinterest in all her grandkids. In the past when we have visited or she's made unannounced visits, her attention is over the top, she ignores any form of discipline and tries to ingratiate herself to the child/children so that they lean more on her than the parent(s), and then she'll cut the visit short and more or less disappear again.
As difficult as it is to have that conversation, it's best to have it more than once so that the child doesn't feel like they're the crazy one or weird for noticing differences in how an adult treats them.
I make sure to explain to my kids that grandma doesn't know how to show she loves them all the time bc she has a hard time understanding how people feel --especially kids. At the end of the day, she loves them, but showing love to kids constantly makes her nervous bc she was left alone when she was a kid and she keeps thinking if she does it to others, they can't do it to her.
Then I reassure them that it's not up to them to fix her thinking or her feelings. She has to do it herself and if it ever bothers them, to talk to me about it.
Once they get older, I'll go more in depth, but the idea is to give age appropriate explanations.
For your case, I'd say that the mil doesnt put in the effort bc she doesnt like you. I'm not saying you've given her reason to or anything, but the mil seems like the type to be passive aggressive about who she likes, and that unfortunately presents itself in her behaviour towards your daughter.
It's childish and unfair bc she practically flaunts it (honking when she drives by, having your niece sleep over, etc.).
So it's time to start explaining to your daughter that grandma doesn't know how to show she loves her, but that's okay. It's nothing she (your daughter) has or hasn't done. Sometimes adults aren't sure, are too afraid to ask for help or plain dont realize it, but that lots of other people love her and that's what matters.
Just assure her that she's awesome and sometimes people don't know how to show them how much they care, but that they still care.
That said, have you talked to your mil about the obvious differences in how she treats the girls?

— I really like that idea!! It’s so hard to be the adult sometimes and notice these types of things happening to your kiddos. It breaks my heart for my daughter because she loves my MIL and I’m sure my MIL loves her too but just shows it differently I guess. If she really doesn’t like me though I wish she’d take it out on me and not my daughter 🥺
I haven’t yet. It really hadn’t bothered me much until I started getting further along with this pregnancy because honestly my daughter is surrounded by so many other people who put in good efforts to be in her normal life and I got to thinking how bad it would make my daughter feel to know that her mamaw would come see her new sister but never comes to see her and just thoughts like that. I also was really thrown off at my daughters birthday when my MIL deliberately pointed out my nieces gift because I just couldn’t understand why my niece would need a gift at someone else’s party especially considering her birthday was in October 😅

— @mamallama2317 it sounds like she goes out of her way to make things awkward between the two girls, which won't help with their relationship as they get older. So while building a relationship with the mil might be a dead end or something you might not know how to approach her with, try and make sure the relationship between the girls doesn't sour as a result. The mil is unwittingly creating a competition between them and it's super unhealthy.
I also find it strange that the bil didnt step in or at least suggest giving the present at a later time.
Is he used to the special treatment himself and doesnt question it? Is he afraid to challenge her?
I'm so sorry that you and your daughter are experiencing this.